Is it possible to love your children equally – but like one better than the other?
Before Reid came along, our whole lives revolved around Ryder. Pictures were taken, milestones were recorded, and we endeavored to fulfill every want, whim and desire. And Ryder lapped it up; as a first child (and an Alpha Male), he pushed our limits of patience, sobriety and tolerance – but never love. There was always too much love to give – an obsessive, all encompassing love for our only child.
In fact, so powerful was his hold over me that, consumed with our daily adventures, I missed the early signs of my second pregnancy. But a tiny little miracle was growing inside of me; a beautiful little boy.
Guilt.
I’d been drinking. Not taking pre-natal vitamins. Jumping off park benches with Ryder. It hit me. I was going to have another baby. So I did my best to play catch up; I cleaned up my act and started acting like a pregnant woman. But all through my pregnancy, I was still consumed with Ryder.
“Is the baby kicking?” my OB asked late in my pregnancy.
“Um, yeah,” I responded. I was too embarrassed to admit that I hadn’t even bothered to do a kick count.
Guilt.
I began obsessing that I would never love our second baby as much as I loved Ryder. How could I? For two whole years, my world revolved around him. Where in my heart could I find the room to love another as deeply? I was prepared to feel love for Reid, hoping against hope that it would measure up to the obsession I felt for his older sibling.
And then Reid arrived. And my heart literally burst open. This tiny, lovely little being who looked at me with eyes full of wonder and adoration. I cried out in relief; all that time worrying that I wouldn’t have enough love to give, and here I was, falling all over again. I understood why my mom never declared favourites; I identified with every mom who ever said she couldn’t choose. With excitement and profound peace, I realized that I loved my two sons equally.
I did it! I was a good mother!
Reid needed me. I nourished him, held him close. Ryder needed me less; happy to watch TV or play with his trucks, he loped in for the occasional hug or kiss good night. The balance of attention was temporarily skewed, but my affections were nonetheless level.
And then Ryder entered his two’s. And he became TERRIBLE. And now I realize, after much self-loathing, that although I love Ryder to pieces, I like Reid more.
Guilt.
Reid doesn’t throw tantrums. He doesn’t talk back. He eats what I give him, goes to sleep at a convenient time and certainly doesn’t drop the F-bomb during Christmas dinner. Ryder challenges me on absolutely everything. Nothing comes easy; every request is met with defiance. He pushes my buttons. He pulls at my emotions. And the little sh*t just kicked my leg because I wouldn’t let him watch YouTube.
Like a pendulum, I can feel my emotions swing back and forth. What happened?
How in the world did I go from adoring Ryder to wanting to lock him up? Where is that unconditional adoration for my “perfect” first born? I think back to when he was younger and try to resurrect those feelings of patience and tolerance. Before I screamed at him, threatened him and shook my fist at him in disbelief.
And then I look at Reid – peaceful, happy, agreeable. It’s no wonder our relationship is so easy; he’s a chilled, content dude, just like his father (as opposed to his fiery, argumentative sibling who takes after…). But will he too turn terrible? Will I be singing the same tune with him in 2 years? Why is parenting so difficult?
I know with all my heart that my two boys are my life, my reason. I hate feeling that I’m “favouring” one in any way. Yet I am certain, without a doubt, that my relationship with Ryder has changed. But whenever I ask around, I’m confronted with “Oh no! I love them all the same! How could you suggest otherwise?”
Well, I do love them equally – but is it horrible that, for the moment, I like one better?
Love this post!I have 3. Our oldest is 7 and he has ALWAYS challenged us, from the time he was born. Our middle child is 6 and way more laid back. Our youngest is our only girl and she is 16 months old. I feel incredibly guilty because I often favor my younger two, simply because my oldest pushes my buttons so often. We try to make a point of spending alone time with our oldest. He seems to enjoy when he's the "only child". I love all 3 of my kids, but it's really hard not to prefer the temperaments of one over another. My daughter and my middle son love to give hugs, but my oldest rolls his eyes if I ask him for a hug. I often wonder if it's his age or because he's the oldest child, or if he would have that personality regardless of birth order.
Thanks for the morning tears & laughter! Beautiful story :)What you're going through is so similar to my experience as a mother. While pregnant with Josh, I would sit up at night and cry, thinking that I was ruining Aidan's life by bringing another child into our family. Aidan was so used to being the only child and would now have to share my husband and I with a baby. I didn't know how I would possibly squeeze any more love (for the new baby) into my already bursting-at-the-seams heart.But I managed, and now when I look at my boys playing together, and when I see how much joy Josh brings into Aidan's life, I'm so thankful that I had another child. There have been a few moments where I have also 'liked' one more than the other, but my love for them both will never change, it's still bursting-at-the-seams for both of them equally.Enjoy all of the challenging moments of raising a toddler. When he's 5 and correcting you and pouring his own milk and doing all those 'big kid' things, you'll miss your mouthy, cheeky little toddler :)
Yes, it is possible Lena.I love my two daughters fiercely but at ages 7 and 13, can you guess which one gives me the most trouble?Shoes, sex, texting, talking back, makeup, yoga pants, these are not things I envisioned arguing over when my teen was just a sweet baby. Somedays I not only prefer my younger, I almost hate the older one (but still love her to death if that makes sense.You are a good mother. You are normal! In time you will find balance in your relationship with Ryder. Thank you for sharing such an honest story.
This post is great! I never thought of it that way, I always thought there was something wrong with me as well! I have 4 girls and I love them all to death (equally) but sometimes I feel like the love is less for my oldest(7) and maybe that is just not the case its like you said I just like my oldest less sometimes. She tests my nerves all the time! She is constantly testing her boundries getting herself in trouble with her attitude. The same goes for my 4 year old sometimes. Right now my 2 year old and 4 month old don't get into to much trouble (yet). I'm glad to hear that I am not the only one that feels this way about my kids sometimes.
I know other Momma's with more than one who love both equally and openly admit to liking one more than the other. Despite what anyone says I think it's a natural reaction especially when the eldest has such spirit and is pushing your buttons. It's like being married really, you can love your partner but sometimes you won't like him very much.I'm lucky, my first born is past the terrible twos when the Bean makes her appearance in a few short weeks we are confident that her four year old brain will be able to understand that she's still important to us.
Wait 'til you get to four like me!!! Ha ha! At all times, there is a child I am mad or disgusted at and one who is being a total perfect angel. The good thing is that they all take turns sharing these two roles so I favor them all at different times. Whichever one I'm with at the moment, I think "You're my favorite."
I only have one so far, but I love this post all the same. Thank you for your honesty!!!My sister, whose third came as a total surprise, always says, "it's not number three that's the problem, it's numbers one and two!" But I think each child goes through their difficult periods and makes the other(s) seem like angels. You just have to hope they don't all go through their difficult periods at the same time!
wow I love this post. Im not a mother but I can totally get what youre saying in a weird way.Im guessing the terrible 2's has a lot to do with this though
I don't think love has anything to do with it. Our love for our children can never be tested but people of all sorts get on our nerves a our kids are just little people. They are not exempt!
This seems very true, but from reading th comments it seems to be something with the oldest child. I'm wondering if it's because we expect more from the oldest and they will always be the first one 'testing' those limits…just a though
Love this post + the honesty it took to write it! I have 2 as well – and my 3 year old has been challenging for the past, oh, YEAR! Perhaps the younger one is always going to seem like the "easier" one because we've been through it all with the older one, so nothing seems as hard, or dramatic, or…. hard!Also – 2 + 3 year olds are selfish little drama queens sometimes – and it's hard to like someone who kicks you for not letting them do exactly what they want when they ask for it! Heh.
I have 3.. My oldest is 8 and there are more occasions than I can count where I think "I wish i could ship him off somewhere for awhile".. It makes me feel guilty but I just don't know what to do with him sometimes when he get's into his moods. My Middle boy and My youngest are much easier to get along with. I totally understand where your coming from in your post. As mothers we love all our children. but I do feel you can "like" one (or more) better at times.
Ah, this made me laugh so hard.. :) xo
Such an honest post. Way to go for putting yourself out there. I only have one, but I sometimes feel that I don't like him, and then I get really guilty. Those times usually occur in the middle of night, when he is wide awake and I am dying to sleep just a few hours.I think moms are hard on themselves, and need to remember that it's okay to have "normal" feelings towards your children. You obviously still love them, but they are challenging at times.
THANK YOU. I constantly worry that I will not love a second baby as much as I love my daughter. She just turned 2 and is starting to act up a little. I feel confident the same F bomb will soon be dropped, most likely in front of my mother and grandmother, who find this word more offensive than almost anything I can think of. Luckily I can blame my husband for that one. I would say, based on secondhand knowledge from my best friend, that you can absolutely like one child more than the other, but don't expect it to stay the same. It might change again later. Some day, Reid might make you want to pull out your hair, and that will be when Ryder is suddenly cooperative again. Suddenly, you'll find yourself liking him more again. I say it doesn't matter, as long as you love them both and never let them know that you like one more than the other. You are so refreshing to hear from–I love your honesty and I know it is hard to say that stuff out loud, but boy do I ever appreciate it!!
Thanks everyone for the supportive feedback! I spent the afternoon hanging out with Ryder, and it's amazing how much I LIKE him when we're one on one. Perhaps I've overlooked a crucial factor – the introduction of a new family member – and how it has affected him. I've made a promise to start off 2011 with lots of cuddles and dedicated mommy time with BOTH sons.I LOVE that so many of you have written in with your own candid comments. It's very, very touching.
I'm not a mother, but it makes sense to me that one might like one child more than the other at certain times. I think it's important that you state that you love them equally, but sometime "like" one more than the other. =) You sound like a wonderful mom, I love reading your blogs because you share everyday stuff like this that makes everyone feel normal =)
Sometimes i feel guilty because I feel like i am missing out on so much because i had my daughter. She is 17 months old. My son is 4 years old. I had to leave a childcare job I love because they didnt take babies, they started at age 2, I probably wont be able to go on a mission trip because she is such a mommys girl and so dependent on me. But i try not to think of the negative things and think about the joy i get when i see my 2 children playing together and laughing together and i know i did the right thing in deciding to have just one more ;)