Definition of Imperfect: Not Perfect.
{Also see: Defective}
I am an imperfect mom.
At least twice per week, I wonder if I can get away with feeding the boys strawberries for breakfast and popcorn for lunch. It’s all they’ll eat and dammit, I am TIRED of trying to force feed them the perfectly crimped sandwiches, heart-shaped cheese slices and stategically portioned celery stalks (complete with dipping sauce) that we’re told perfect moms put in their child’s lunchbox. In my house, sometimes lunch comes from a cracker box that may or may not contain my sons’ entire recommended daily intake of sodium.
I can never remember to brush the boys’ teeth. Yeah okay, I do pretty well in the morning, but before bed? Fail. Their toothbrushes are on the vanity right beside the bathtub, and all I have to do is reach over and brush them while they’re bathing. Problem is, when they’re in the bath I’m usually sitting on the toilet (seat down) drinking a glass of wine and staring into space.
I scream at my kids – often louder, and nastier, than I’ve screamed at anyone in my life. Sometimes I don’t even recognize my voice; it’s a mix of anger, disgust, and most of all, desperation. A deep desperation that is etched in every syllable because I am rendered insignificant and helpless with every cup of spilled milk, every overturned laundry basket, every crayon scribbled across the wall. They just don’t care – and don’t seem to get that I do. When it’s really bad, screaming turns into sobbing.
I spank/hit/smack my kids – in appropriate places and with appropriate force – as a form of discipline. You don’t have to agree with me – I really don’t care if you do, because I’m not here to judge your parenting methods. But I’ll tell you this: last year, Ryder reached for a pot of boiling water in jest. Me shouting (sorry – calmly instructing him) “Go stand in the corner” would not have saved him from 2nd degree burns. I swiped at his arm so hard it knocked him over – and prevented him from knocking over the pot. So maybe I am barbaric. But I love my children and when safety is involved, I do not worry about hurt feelings or egos.
I have no idea how to engage with other children. I don’t know how to kneel down and sip tea from a tea set or feign interest in some silly zombie video game. I work hard at relating to my own kids, and that’s where I draw the line. At this very moment, I can talk about Cars 2 and Thomas and Friends and Courdoroy the Bear and Toopee and Binoo and Hot Wheels and Iggle Piggle and Lego Duplo. And that’s it. And when my kids move on to something else, that’s what I’ll be interested in. I may like your kids, and I may love your company, but please don’t ask me to like the company of your kids. You go ahead and amuse them, please. (Somehow I don’t think I’ll be volunteering on class field trips.)
At least once per day, I wonder what a perfect mom would do. What a perfect mom would say. How a perfect mom would handle a situation. And then I do what my instincts tell me, perfection be damned. Sometimes, that involves letting Reid have a sip of pop at a party (I breastfed him for 20 months, so spare me the bugged eyes and death stare – true story), keeping the boys in pjs all day, or letting Ryder stay up way past his bedtime. Sometimes, I pull marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms box, and divvy them up – one for Ryder, one for Reid, one for mommy. They never keep a close count, so sometimes it’s two for mommy.
I don’t spend a lot of time trying to be perfect. I’m a pretty girl, a good cook, a doting wife and regardless of my prior confessions, I think I’m a great mom. My kids are well fed and well loved. They have average intelligence and above average contentment (though that could be the sugar, which yes, they do receive as a treat).
I’m not quite certain what motivated me to write this post. Perhaps it’s this February blahs thing, festering until the last possible moment. Or maybe I’m just outing myself – behind the shiny pictures, must-try recipes and brand spanking new products (which I’m not gonna lie, arrive by the truckload every day) life goes on and life is hard. Parenting is hard.
I also won’t go on record saying I’m a “real” mom. WTH? Every mom is a real mom, regardless if they fit your definition or drink your brand of Kool Aid. There is no such thing as an “unreal” mom, unless you count those chicks on soap operas who fake a pregnancy and then steal someone’s baby by performing a c-section in a living room/dive bar/side of the road. They’re fake moms.
I’m an imperfect mom. And I’m okay with it. And when I’m not, there’s wine.
This is a perfectly beautiful post. Well done Lena.
Thanks Hayley. Nice to hear from you! Hope all is well :)
WHAT?!?! No heart shaped cheese slices – that’s it, I’m done here!!!!
You know, too many people judge others while high on their pedestal. yet we so often judge ourselves even more. Imperfect is perfect. it’s you. It’s me.
Love your post!
Hahaha, yeah I had a feeling you’d bail once I came clean! Seriously, I love this: Imperfect is perfect. it’s you. It’s me. Muah!
So many of those scenarios you described sound familiar to me – when I think back to how I started feeding the kids (homemade organic baby food – yup, I was pureeing the squashes at home and freezing them in batches) to where I am now – it’s so different from what I pictured. I wish they loved vegetables like SO MANY mom’s claim their kids do – but I’m lucky if they get their 2 mouthfuls of vegetables a day!
There’s a lot of potential for guilt – but I try not to wallow in it. When I found out I was expecting twins – I was so freaked out – and one friend told me “the only thing you have to do is LOVE your kids, everything else will fall into place” – and though it sounds simplistic – it’s something that I always return to. While I may not have the patience to turn them into little geniuses – as long as they feel safe and content, I’ve done my job :-)
Homemade organic baby food – ha! I tried that once (or twice) and you’re right, it gets old. But I am definitely tacking this up on my whiteboard: “the only thing you have to do is LOVE your kids, everything else will fall into place”. Truer words were never spoken! xo
Lena:
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt feelings. You made me smile. You made me laugh.
You reminded me why I love being a parent and then, you reminded me why I occasionally
thought being a parent was some sort of divine punishment.
But most of all you made me glad that you have the intelligence and wit to write down your
innermost thoughts and make all of us feel that our imperfections are part of what makes each
of us uniquely special in our own way.
Oody, thank you so much for YOUR heartfelt and sincere comments. Parenting does feel like divine punishment at times – but most of the time, I can’t believe how blessed I am. Lucky Charms marshmallows for everyone!
If we don’t have to leave the house, we don’t leave our pajamas. This might be 4 days a week. My daughter sometimes doesn’t brush her teeth at all in a day, because I forget. She doesn’t like food, either, and eats the same things for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I feel your pain. I hate fighting that battle too, but we aren’t the only ones. Even pediatricians’ kids get the best of them sometimes (I know because mine told me his son is a super picky eater and they cater to him just like we know we aren’t supposed to but we do anyway)
No such thing as a perfect mom. We all question ourselves and our parenting, but we have to look at our kids and think, are they happy and loved? Are they safe and cared for? And as long as we answer yes, then I think we’re doing just fine.
I think we’re on two days of Ryder living in his pjs – they’re so comfy and warm, why would I change him into a scratchy shirt and stiff jeans? I love that your pediatrician admitted to catering to his kids, too. Who doesn’t? I think we’re both great moms. Our kids are happy, loved, safe and cared for. Hugs!
You know what the real truth is….there is no such thing as a perfect Mom. Anyone who tells you they are perfect is lying:)
I think there are a lot of liars out there :/ Thank goodness I’m not bothered by perfection.
Lena as always you put into words what so many of us are feeling. With 5 kids I do imperfect perfectly. Perfect is for pictures, real life is messy and loud and not always so nice. Kudos for you for admitting it. Heck I send my kids to bed fully clothed some days, because by the end of the day finding jammies that match is just too much damn work.
Julia, if you did anything but imperfect perfectly – with FIVE kids – I’d think you were extra terrestrial. And LMAO over sending the kids to bed fully clothed. My rule is, if it looks like a jammy, and feels like a jammy, then it’s tonight’s jammy :)
You Lena…are my “mom hero!”. I could cry from relief reading this post! Mommyhood is not glamourous, it is not always wonderful but in everyday of it (almost) there is something wonderful to be found. Yet, at times I wonder why toddlers do what they do, some days I believe it is merely to test my sanity which by that point in nearly non-exsistent. So thank you for another incredibly well said, and truthfully spoken. Just thank you for you! :)
You absolutely said it Mandi – EVERY day there is something wonderful to discover. I am always learning from the boys, and learning things about myself – including how far my patience can be tested, how long I can go without a shower, etc. Hugs to you! xx
I love this Lena! You are so awesome and this is a perfect example of why I love reading your blog! “imperfect is perfect. It’s you. It’s me.” that was pretty awesome too. Someone should trademark that!
You are awesome too Liza! I’ll let Tammi know she should apply for a trademark ;)
AAhhh….Love it! The truth of our own reality is unlike any other person’s…It is complex and confusing and ugly at times, but its beauty lies in sheer honesty. You’ve been honest with yourself and your readers and that’s beautiful.
I liked the part you wrote about not knowing how to engage other people’s kids: I’m the exact opposite. Other people’s kids flock to me like bees to honey and I know excactly how to keep them interested.
I also loved the parts about feeding your kids what they like, including the occasional sip of pop, and screaming and yelling that sometimes goes on. I saw myself and thought, “I’m worse than that!” I give my 17-month-old chocolate…my bad, but I love chocolate…and I have a seriously bad potty mouth. The F-bomb gets dropped a lot…Not good with a child who likes to repeat everything I say or do.
Oh Lena! I love this post! There’s no fun in perfection…but there is an “imp” in imperfection and that’s where things get interesting!
“The truth of our own reality is unlike any other person’s…It is complex and confusing and ugly at times, but its beauty lies in sheer honesty.” Okay I am totally saving this. So beautifully written Erlinda! And yes, I think we all have a little “imp” in us!
Hooray for honesty Lena! I love this post and can totally relate. How do our kids manage to push our buttons so? I think that all moms are heroes especially the stay-at-home ones. I am barely surviving with two and I applaud you for all you accomplish and all the encouragement you extend to other moms like me. We’ll all have good and bad days and hopefully on those bad days we’ll be comforted to know that there are others out there also trying to make it through the day so we can have a little ‘me’ time.
Hi Deb! So happy to see you here! And yes, barely surviving with two seems to sum up my life. Hugs – and a 25th hour in the day – to you!
You’re the type of mom I hope I get a chance to be one day.
Beautiful, honest post. I loved reading it!
Lauren! What a touching thing to say! I’m smiling from ear to ear. xxoo
Lena, Lena, Lena… You have totally made me change my opinion of you. Yes, it’s true. Sadly, I regret to inform you that you and I have a lot more in common than I realized. We’re both… *gasp* imperfect! Eek gads, woman! What a huge revelation! Seriously, though… this is such an honest and well-written post, I would encourage every new mom to read this so that they may understand that it’s not always so glamorous being a mom. We all have our moments, our strengths and our weaknesses. I commend you on being brave enough to share them with, oh,.. the entire cyberspace.
Being a mom is not glamourous at ALL. And hehehe, hoping the entire cyberspace is gentle on me for spilling my guts. It was just one of those posts that wrote themselves, KWIM?
I agree with Tammi – Imperfect IS perfect. Perfect moms don’t exist… you’re doing a great job. <3
Thank you so much for your sweet comment :)
Oh Lena, how I wish I knew you “in real life”! We would be fantastic friends. I am an imperfect mom. Happy to see it’s not just me who cringes when women say “I’m a real mom”. I’ll take imperfect any day. Guess what! My kids are imperfect too. Love them anyways!
Hahaha, oh yes, I should definitely mention that my kids are imperfect too! Thanks for the reminder :)
You will always be the perfect wife to me and the kids adore you. You’re the best mom ever!
I adore you :) xx
To me you are as real and imperfectly perfect as they come. The reason your blog is the best hands down is because you are honest with your readers and I can trust you. When you write posts like this it just proves that you’re not out to be the best, but at the same time you always come out on top because your readers love you and your truthful and inspiring writing.
Jenny – you brought tears to my eyes. Thank you! I can’t tell you how much your comment brightened my day.
same, same, same, yes… same that one too.. sitting on the toilet drinking a glass of wine. omg same. phew thanks for posting
LOL! Happy to have comrades – and wine drinking comrades – out there!
Ha ha… I totally relate (again!) to one of your posts!! My kids eat crackers (albeit whole grain, but I digress) and cheese with applesauce or carrot sticks at least twice a week. They love carbs, cheese and won’t eat sandwiches other than PB and J! What’s a mom to do? I’m with you… do your best and get through the day with a little fun! If it’s with Lucky Charms marshmallows, then so be it. Great post – thanks for being real and telling it like it is (for most moms, anyway!).
Thank you so much for the affirmation! And I love PB and J – I should eat it more often, hahaha!
I have never tried to make cheese shaped like hearts or perfectly crimped sandwiches. In fact, in desperation yesterday I handed Charlotte a slice of bologna in a piece of bread I folded in half. How’s that for presentation (and nutrition)? (I will admit, it’s Charlotte’s first slice of bologna, and my first in years, but still…). It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when you’re alone with the kids all day, and one or the other is crying, or taking everything out of their closet/dresser/bookshelf and strewing it across the room, or refusing to eat a meal you’ve slaved over. I’ll preface this by saying I love my children more than anything — but yes, I reach the end of my rope at least once a day. I’m tired of picking up toys and looking for choking hazards, I’m sick of vacuuming every day, I’m tired of all the food on the floor or secreted away in hidey holes around the house, I’m exhausted by being woken all through the night and never getting a decent night’s sleep. We’re all human — and I feel your pain. Although I’m the first to admit I’m not perfect in my imperfection!
If anyone could relate, I knew you’d be right there with me. It IS tough, yet it’s so damn rewarding, but still, it’s tough. But more than anything, I’m curious to know – did Charlotte enjoy the bologna? Because Ryder and Reid live for salami – I only buy it once every month or two because I don’t want them addicted to the stuff :)
Unfortunately — she loved it! She’s asking for “bologna sandwiches” every day now. OMG. John is going to kill me!!!! As for salami — she’s had it a handful of times but isn’t as crazy about it. But hot dogs? The girl could live off them.
Hahaha Reid asks for “ot dog” out of the blue every once in a while – they ARE delicious, how can we blame them?
Ha! Every time I complain about the hardships of parenting all DH can say is its nice I’m ‘unwishing’ the kids! (I”M NOT!!!!! – Its just so damn hard sometimes!) I’m glad as women and moms we can be honest with each other.
I’m not perfect, my kids rarely have matching socks, and housework feels like groundhog day cause I’m always going back to the same 4 tasks and never get around to the rest of the house.
Great post, love it. and a piece of bread folded w/ something in the middle? regular occurrence over here ;)
Ha! Love the groundhog day reference – because that’s exactly how I feel on most days. The same tasks over and over until I feel like screaming! Or opening another bottle of wine :)
I’ll have to start gathering tips for what to fold into bread, LOL!
I think you are I are drinking the same brand of kool aid ;)
Wonderful! And it tastes like sangria, doesn’t it?
or wait…..maybe it’s the wine…..
You are incredible! An amazing mom, wife, friend. The love and passion that you have for your family speaks louder than perfectly shaped lunches and freshly brushed teeth. Each time I see a “Super Mom” headline in a magazine or online, I cringe. We all feel the pressure to be perfect parents, but at what cost? We’re all given this wonderful life to enjoy, to be happy, to be totally imperfect.
When your boys think back to their happy childhood, they’ll think about digging marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms box, pj days and having the best mom in the world home with them.
And anyone who says that they haven’t given their child a sip of soda pop, or had a pj day, or yelled/spanked/punished purely out of anger and frustration, or skipped toothbrushing on occasion is a liar!
LOVE that you cringe when you “Super Mom” headlines – I do too! Who says we have to be perfect? I’d rather be labelled a try-hard than a super mom :)
You are wonderful friend! Happy I have you as a mommy role model!
Wow, this post is so honest! It also makes me feel better about myself and my parenting skills (which I have been starting to have doubts about). I too yell at my kids but feel so guilty afterwards. I am not above bribing my kids with candies. I had these dreams of being a perfect mom and having perfect kids who would sit at the dinner table and eat with their forks and say please and thanks and may I be excused please. Wrong! What a reality check! There is no such thing. I am just going to do the best I can and hope they become productive adults.
Thanks Lena for keeping it real.
Never doubt your parenting skills – just know how much wine is really needed to get through the evening :) Doing your best is all you can do – and I have a feeling you’re amazing at your best.
I love your post Lena. Trust me, there is no such thing as an “perfect mom”. All moms are good in their own way and YOU are an amazing mom!
Thanks Marissa :) I appreciate the vote of confidence!
Thank you for being honest. Soooo been there.
Perfect moms don’t exist they’re just really good at lying (and photoshop)
Ah yes, photoshop and cropping photos, no? :)
Thank you Lena! That post made me feel normal:) I have a business, 2 kids, dog, husband, house to clean, studio to clean, dinner to make, groceries to buy not to mention make breakfast, and lunch. Keep track of birthday parties, school projects and god knows what else! It is impossible to be perfect lol! But my kids don’t suffer and everything in your post I can totally relate to:)
Nicely said and very needed!
Agatha – you are my hero. Honestly, I don’t know how you do it – but I have immense respect for you… even more because you do it imperfectly :)
Thank you!!!
You’re welcome! Thank YOU for stopping by!
Thank you for this honest post that says deep down to my heart and soul, I don’t have to be like some other moms, do what they do; I know better WITH my kids. I am so ready to join your imperfect army anytime, will you take a fake mom? :)
I won’t take a fake mom, but I will take YOU. Consider yourself a commander-in-chief :)
Thank you for writing this! I was getting so down on BlogHer because of all the strident, angry voices they’ve been highlighting lately. I like funny. And flawed. And moms who drink wine. Thank you for reminding everyone that not all women walk through life looking for a fight. A lot of us are just looking for a good laugh to keep us sane while we wipe butts.
Marianne, I want to frame your comment :) I think I like you too!
This was brilliant and so well written! I am glad I stumbled upon it. I especially loved your yelling paragraph. Oh did I used to feel that all the time. Until I decided to go a year without yelling.Talk about needing a lot of wine at night….
I am intrigued about your 365 days without yelling… will definitely visit your site! Thanks for stumbling by :)
You’re so honest. Moms shouldn’t be perfect or pretend they are. I see parents who don’t feed the kids sugar, allows kids to pick their own punishment and all that and those kids ARE LITTLE DEMONS! You’re the boss and your boys know it. Good job Lena xoxox Always a pleasure reading your posts like this.
Amen! If I succeed at anything in life – it’s my boys knowing I am the boss ;) Thanks Crystal!
What a beautiful and honest post. Just what I needed to read this morning.
Thank you Valerie :)
This made my night!!! lmbo!
:) Thanks Jenne!
Loved this post! I definitely needed to read this..it’s perfect timing. I’m pregnant with my third and sometimes I think how am I going to balance three when I have a hard time sometimes with just two. But I know everything will just become natural and nobody is perfect so I just have to do my best and know that my kids will turn out well as long as I keep communicating with them and am always here for them if they need me :)
You’ve said it perfectly, Mandy – no one is perfect, but it comes down to doing our best!
You are way beyond honest thank you for showing us your a real person behind the computer screen lol I got a laugh when you were saying about breast feeding for 20 months I did it longer and yes everyone would comment when are you getting her off that she has teeth but hey we all are not carbon copies of what parents should be we are ourselves …individuals with our own idea’s of parenting.
Hear, hear Jennifer! We all have our own ideas and our own strengths… just do what works for you!
Love this. You are a great mother!
Thank you Amy :)
You really are a wonderful writer; I envy you that! Loved the post! Thanks!
:) xo Anne
Thank you so much for this… I literally breathed a sigh of relief when I was done reading. I tell myself I am not the only one who feels like this but it’s nice to get confirmation every once in a while.
Thanks Heidi :) We’re all perfectly imperfect.
Oh this is so true, thanks for putting it into words!
:) Thanks Debbie!
Moms put too much pressure on themselves to be perfect. There is no such thing. There’s no script, no book, no mentor who can prepare you for motherhood. You just have to go through it, experience it, embrace it, warts and all. We all survived our mothers, and they survived theirs all the way back in time. We must be doing something right! :)
Couldn’t have said it better Sharlene. Thank you for the wise words!
when my youngest (the devil child) misbehaved I put a tiny teeny bit of hot sauce on her tongue. it worked until the day she started saying yummy.
HAHAHAHA I don’t think I’ve ever tried that….
I spanked my kids the odd time too. I also washed out my daughters mouth with soap when she was 14 for cussing she thought I kidding and she laughed. Made it easier for me to put the wet soapy suds in her mouth. It does sting a bit the old fashioned bar soap. It was a bit of tough love, I also ran after her in my socks for being disrespectful cos she knew it. We still laugh about those silly bonding moments. She grew up beautiful, happy and we love each other.
nobodys perfect
The only place I have seen a “perfect mom” is in “Leave It to Beaver” (and even then I don’t think she was totally “perfect” either) – can anybody really define what a “perfect mom” is ?
None of us are ever totally prepared for what motherhood is all about because each child is unique and presents us with a whole new set of challenges, especially noticeable when you have more than one child LOL
Well Miss Beautiful, Perfect Mom is a figment of ALL of our imaginations. Bottom line is we are human beings, we are prone to mistakes in judgement, calculations, and with our children. Honestly, a little hurt ego now and then might be a good thing.