File this one under… “We can solve world hunger one Hollywood swag bag at a time.”
This morning, I came across an article on US Magazine online that I simply had to share. Entitled “Oscars 2014 Celebrity Gift Bags: Losing Nominees Will Receive $80,000 Worth of Products”, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. NOT because I think celebrities don’t deserve a goody bag – or because I have a pseudo-political agenda that urges the rich to distribute their wealth. The truth is, I love actors, I love movies, and I love the Academy Awards… and what they choose to gift to their nominated attendees is their prerogative.
So why the eye roll? The contents, dude, the contents of the gift bag.
“While a select group will take home those coveted gold statues at the Oscars on Sunday, March 2, some of the losers will at least have their $80,000 ‘Everyone Wins at the Oscars’ gift bags. For the 15th year, L.A.-based marketing firm Distinctive Assets will give the gift bags to the losing nominees in the Best Actor/Actress, Supporting Actor/Actress, and Director categories.
Us Weekly takes a sneak peek inside each parcel – and highlights the most outrageous products.” And…. here are my personal faves:
Weird Procedures, $18,070
Uh O! Celebs will receive the O-Shot procedure, which supposedly “rejuvenates and enhances the genital tissue of a woman.” The $2,700 procedure is said to enhance sexual response and slow urinary incontinence. For the gents (and some ladies): hair restoration surgery using ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant system ($16,000) is also offered.
Er…. I’m not sure how to respond. Do I picture Cate Blanchett sitting in the waiting room of a local clinic, reading the 16-page disclaimer agreement pertaining to her orgasm shot? No. Would she gift it to her assistant? Maybe.
A Walk through Japan and the Best of Vegas, $24,000
Explorers will have the chance to tour and discover the authentic, non-touristy side of Japan by foot from Walk Japan ($15,000). Celebs will also have the chance to live it up through the Best of Las Vegas offering ($9,000), which includes a face-to-face meeting with Boyz II Men.
While the Japan walking tour is cool – if a celebrity actually thought it safe to walk through a 127.6 million-populated country without being recognized – I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if Leonardo DiCaprio wanted to have a face-to-face meeting with Boyz II Men, he’d just… you know, call them up. No need to wait for the coupon included in the swag bag!
Maple Syrup — and a Maple Tree!
Celebs will receive $280 worth of pure organic maple syrup, salad dressings, jellies, mustard, and an apron. But that’s not all! Each star will receive an adoption certificate of a maple tree in Notre-Dame-Des-Bois. Cost? Invaluable.
WTH? Invaluable? I actually checked out the cost, and it’s $138. Why a multimillionaire celebrity needs to adopt a maple tree in Quebec, I do not know. But, if you want to feel like a multimillionaire celebrity, good news! It’ll only set you back a bill and change.
Okay I’m done. I can’t even continue because my eyes have rolled upward for so long I’m afraid they’ll stay like that permanently. Click here to see the entire list of highlights, including a horse shampoo for humans ($95), his and hers Mace pepper spray guns ($120), and a narrative clip that gives its users a shareable photographic memory ($279).