I’m a woman. I’m a woman who has dated men before meeting the love of my life. I’m a woman who has not moved from the town I was born and raised in, and therefore, I allow myself the opportunity to have inopportune run-ins with ex-boyfriends. So really, I shouldn’t have been surprised that eventually, I’d cross paths with a former flame.
Except, my former flames sure know how to stay hidden. I’ve had two long-term relationships before meeting my husband, and both men still live in the city. Yet, neither of them are on Facebook, Twitter or any other social media sites that would allow for mild cyber-stalking, which is of course completely acceptable and arguably a right as an ex-girlfriend. Of course, you’ve probably guessed by now that we do not stay in touch, which on some days is a shame, as it would relieve me from my online-creepfests and the disappointing results.
So I guess you can say that even though I have ex-boyfriends, they are somewhere in the city – doing their thing, living their life – just as I am. And as such, they are normally the furthest thing from my mind, and I’ve learned that the odds of a chance encounter are very low. Low, but not zero.
Cue the embarrassment.
It happened last week. I was rushing around, trying to juggle a thousand things like I always do. And, I was particularly stretched thin as I had been sick the week before – hence, I was in catch-up mode for everything from blogging to grocery shopping to getting my hair done. Last Wednesday, I was scheduled to host a private shopping event with AIR MILES for Toronto’s top influencers, and I sorely needed to have my roots touched up. So, I did something I don’t normally do; I scheduled a hair colour appointment for the very same day as the event.
Perhaps I should elaborate. You see, just as I’m picky about doing my own makeup, I’m also very particular about who styles my hair. In fact, 9 out of 10 times, I am so underwhelmed by the stylist’s efforts that I schedule my appointments for a random weeknight so I can just go home and sleep. However, being sick the week before meant that I had to cancel my random weeknight appointment, and I could only be squeezed in on the day of my event.
It wasn’t a big deal. All I had to do was allow the assistant to wash out the colour, and then I’d just go home and do the dry/style myself. I’ve done it before, and my colourist is somewhat used to me flying through the salon with air kisses, rushing off to do my own hair at home. However, on this particular afternoon, because I did have an event that night, I opted to skip makeup as well, knowing I’d need a precise application for the soiree later on.
You do see where I’m going with this, don’t you?
Oh yes. It happened. For eleven years, three months and sixteen days I hadn’t seen my ex-boyfriend. Yet as I emerged from the back of the salon, with dripping wet hair, bags under my eyes and wonky glasses, I caught glimpse of my ex standing at the check-in desk. And to this day, to this moment, I don’t know what possessed me to smile and say hello, but I did. Perhaps I felt that I should own it; that I should be the bigger person and just come right out and ease the awkwardness. Perhaps I wanted to show him that after all the pain he put me through, the past was the past and had no effect on me whatsoever.
Perhaps I forgot that I resembled a swamp creature who had just emerged from a sewer. OH! F*ck My LIFE.
How many times had I fantasized that I would run into him? How many times had I pictured the scenario: me, looking so fabulous it hurt, and him, looking on with longing plainly visible in his eyes, realizing that he had truly given up the best thing that had ever happened to him. Instead… well. Instead.
To add insult to injury, it took him a moment to recognize me. And when he did, he didn’t have to say it. I could hear it in his surprised greeting; I could see it written all over his face. And in that quick exchange of pleasantries, as I awkwardly fished in my purse for my credit card and he paid for a “full pampering” package, which I can only assume is a gift to his significant other, I realized what he was thinking. And it was: “WOW. Dodged a bullet there.”
Well, that was that. I blew it; I blew the inconsequential meeting with the ex where I was expected to look like a supermodel and instead resembled a drowned rat. And later that night, as I styled my hair and applied my makeup, I stared at my reflection with dismay. But then, I did the only thing I could do under the circumstances; I took a selfie. And I changed my Facebook profile picture, and my Twitter profile picture, and I made a mental note to write up this blog post.
Dear Ex-Boyfriend:
THIS!!! >>>
This is who you were supposed to see. This is the person you were supposed to encounter. The 35-year old woman who is aging beautifully and by the way, thinks little of the Nike track pants you are still wearing.
Signed, An Alanis Morissette Song
Okay, now I think I can get on with my life. But not before I tag this post “Lena Almeida”… in case he decides to do a little cyber-stalking of his own.
BAHAHA!! Oh this was amazing, I lol-ed a few times thanks Lena. You speak for all of us don’tcha?!
Thanks Angie! Yeah, I guess we ALL have those delusions about our “reunion” with an ex!
Dear Ex-Boyfriend: THIS!!! >>> Best line ever! I sincerely do hope he does his own cyber-stalking and sees your profile.
Hahaha thanks Tricha!
I don’t trust people who exist without ANY sort of social media footprint — you’re the one who dodged a bullet, Lena!! :)
You know what Cory? I think you’re right. Thanks, I needed that!
Love this post! Hillarious.
Thanks Nicole!
lol .. it’s happened to us all, but it’s sooo much more amusing when you type it out then it is living through it…. I think you’re the lucky one Miss Beautiful!
Aw, thanks. If only he had seen Miss Beautiful, and not miss Swamp Thing!
OMG. Hilarious!!!! I’m sure you looked like a gorgeous drowned rat! ;)
Not even close, Sandy. Like a sewer monster.
LOL……good one! Thanks for laugh. We ran into my hubby’s ex on a weekend getaway to Birch Run, MI. Miles away from home and the second store we went into there she is. And of course it was a small store and when she told her friend that “that is my ex’s NEW wife” everyone heard. I didn’t know how to react so just walked right by her and smiled.
Keep it classy, Judy, that’s exactly the way to do it!
Ahem…why am I hearing about this on your blog?????
Er, right. Remember when I said I had something to tell you but couldn’t remember what it was? And then you said, “When you remember, write it down?” Well I did! I just typed it. On my blog :)
love this!!! Thanks for the good laugh…
You’re welcome Martina!
oh lord that was funny.
:) Happy to amuse, ha!
Okay, I LOVE this. And you totally are gorgeous – guarantee he looked you up after that and his jaw dropped when he saw you! What’s even funnier is that another blogger I follow, Baby Sideburns, posted a similar thing today – and everything you both said is so similar, it’s awesome! Thought you might get a laugh out of what she said! Hers is a littttle more uncensored haha here it is!
http://www.chicagonow.com/baby-sideburns/2013/11/letter-ex-boyfriend/
What the hell! We are living the same life, Baby Sideburns! That was a great post, thanks so much for sharing it! (Though I breathed a sigh of relief when I noticed that I published my post 2.5 hours before she did. First! LOL)
hahaha! thought you would be relieved knowing you posted it first!
Hahaha yes, I care about silly stuff like that :)
Hahaha oh man, that would DEFINITELY be one of my biggest nightmares! I think I would have hidden – you’re brave! haha
I don’t know why I didn’t. I think I was just so surprised to see him that I FORGOT my current state of swampiness. Sigh.
It ALWAYS works that way LOL !! Been there done that too (mine however was just after I had been ill). Also had a chance encounter with Larry Gowan in a grocery store when I was not looking my best – wow was THAT embarrassing ! I did discover he is a very nice person, and shorter than I am though ;o)
Oooh… I always wondered if he is as little as I thought he was. Crazy that you ran into him while grocery shopping, ha!
I think he lived in Scarborough at the time (it was around 1995). His high school band was called “Rhinegold” and they performed at one of my high school dances. He’s the same age as me (same month, different day). Small world :)
LOL I hope he tracks you down and sees the you he should have seen in the first place.
I don’t think I should hold my breath… it will be another 11 years I’m sure!
Omgosh this made me laugh! I don’t think you could ever resemble a swamp creature, ever, never ever lol Thanks for sharing!
Oh Anne, you are too good to me. But the truth is, it was TRAGIC. LOL
Thank you for sharing! I live in the same city as I have all my life, and even though it’s large, it does happen from time to time where you run into exes. Is it some sort of cosmic rule that we’re never looking the way we dream we’d look at those moments? Such is life
I think it is definitely a cosmic rule :) And you know what? Perhaps he wasn’t looking his best either. Huh. Never thought about it that way!
Omigosh, I was gonna say the same thing about Baby Sideburns! Great piece. And yours too!
I’m sure you did NOT look bad. The funny thing is, Lena, when I go out without makeup or an attempt at even getting myself to look “presentable”, I often think “would Lena ever go out like this?!”. I recall a post you wrote about everyone having five minutes to get themselves ready and that you don’t want to be one of those moms who doesn’t have time to take care of herself (something along those lines).
I guess it’s Murphy’s Law!
Hope he reads your blog, lol.
“Would Lena ever go out like this?!” <<< OKAY that freaking made my day. But now you know, that from time to time, even I slip up. And when I do, an ex is there to witness it.
Isn’t that always the way? I was engaged to someone for two years and after the “parting of ways” had not seen him for 5 years and when I did see him I had was just getting over pneumonia and looked like s**t with the red bubble nose stringy hair, no make up and a track suit. Yes a sheer beauty and you know he’s thinking oh mamma glad I am not with that! Then I thought if I am thinking he thinks that way then what would he have been like if we did get married, my answer a jerk and I was happy I doged a bullet.
Oooh, the red bubble nose. But you’re absolutely right, Doris. The thing is, my husband sees me as the swamp creature every single day, and he loves me just the way I am! So exes be damned!
So funny! Great post!
Thanks Tania!
Hahahaha, I laughed out loud. I can just imagine it all.
I’m sure you looked like a fabulous swap creature. Maybe there are some swap mermaids.
LOL nope – just the soaking wet type.
Why is it that stuff like this always happens when we are least prepared! You handled it all very well…with style and humour!
Thanks Teresa!
Yikes! At least he didn’t look too good in his track pants right?! I’m sure you looked much better than you thought you did :)
He looked like 1998 in his track pants :)
Haha….I loved hearing about this at AirMilesShops but the way you’ve detailed it here is priceless. :-)
Hahaha thanks Sandra!
This post is hilarious Lena – I thoroughly enjoyed reading it! By the way, you look gorgeous in your new profile picture!
Thanks Marissa! *the picture he DIDN’T see*
Oh Lena you had me giggling through the whole thing. The Nikey pants, LOL so high school. Your beautiful and I love the new selfie!
Aw, thank you Tammy!
lol it really does always happen when you don’t want it to happen. This post did make me giggle though :) Luckily I live very far from any ex-boyfriends!
You are so lucky. All my ex’s still live in the same city!
I’m 30(ish) years old and I’m currently in the middle of a battle with breast cancer (not to worry because I’m winning). I ran into an ex a few months ago just after my last chemo treatment with no hair and no eyebrows. It was pretty upsetting at first until I we started talking and I realized that even with the cancer, my life is still better than his. Kind of makes me sad for him but at the same time, I really don’t care.
I am so happy you’re winning :) And kudos to you for recognizing your blessings!
Oh, Lena!! Hah It happens to the best of us! :D A few years back, I was at the lake and I lost my footing and took a tumble off the ladder in the evening leading up to a loft. The next morning, I realized I had ended up with a MASSIVE bruise down the side of my calf…. an artist friend of mine was looking at it and proclaimed: “It looks like a portrait of Jesus!” and for some odd reason, I allowed him to use a pen to enhance the bruise to look like Jesus (and oddly, it did).. Well, heading home from the lake I wanted to pop into Mark’s to purchase a few work clothes that were on sale (ending THAT day)… So into the store I go, unbathed (no shower at the lake), no make up and a Jesus pen/bruise tattoo on my leg… Going to pay for said items, I also saw an ex (and his significant other) heading to towards the till. I attempted to tuck myself behind a display rack, with little luck. Yes, he also had that look as his eyes darted from my crawled out of gutter hair and pen tattoo of “DODGED A BULLET THERE!!”.
It happens :)
OMG. The Jesus Leg!! Had me in stitches, Soozle!!!!
Hahaha that was so funny! I can totally relate, and I hope he does do a bit of cyber-stalking so that you emerge victorious.
Fingers crossed, Victoria!
Dear Lena, only you could write a post about an embarrassing moment such as this and write it so poetically that it turns out so beautifully. Cause that’s who you are, a beautiful person inside and out.
Aw, so sweet Diana! And much too kind xx
lol, funny story. Thanks for sharing.
:) Thanks Carrie!
Lol, like Diana said; only you could pull off a post such as this :) Sorry about that unfortunate run in and I’m hoping he does see this, you’re awesome! Glad you sent me here, I too Lol’d a few times, love the post :)
Thanks so much, Jason!
Haha. What a great story! I fear that moment too but I’m way to lazy to keep the appearances up every time I go out in public. This motivates me though :)
It should! Don’t suffer the same fate, LOL!
I’ve often wondered what I would do if that happened to me..but if you think about it every person is brought into your life for a reason at a different time to bring to the place and person you were meant to be with now. So essentially, you dodged the bullet, not ex-bf.
So, so true! Thanks for the perspective, Sharlene!
Ohh man that would suck. Being a guy I’ve been on both sides though, bumping into Past relationships with someone on my arm or vice versa. It used to be uncomfortable, then I met my lady and the rest was history…. It’s funny how being with someone you care about completely brings out the confidence in you to the utmost level. I would usually shy away from contact or just politely say a quick hello or how are you. Since being married, I could carry on a conversation like we were best friends and think nothing of it. I’m 36 and have been married since I was 26 and feel that when you are finally with that person you were meant to be with everything else just doesn’t seem to matter any more.
Well said Matthew! Thanks so much for sharing :)
That was good for several chuckles – especially since you are really attractive. I’ve had it happen to me, too, and when it is somebody you dumped their “hello” laced with incredulousness about how you look means they feel their getting their comeuppance. I figure the Hollywood stars sometimes get caught when they look awful, and they learn to shrug it off, so shall I, altho at the moment it happens, you cringe and want to disappear!!!!
Hahaha totally agree!