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You Say Tomato, I Say Tomahto

April 23, 2014 By Lena

If you don’t know, I’m hosting a Twitter Party tonight for #RoyaleTigerTowel Paper Towels. And in chatting with an old friend, she casually asked,

“So, does Ryder still call paper towels f**k?”

WHAT?? Oh Lord. Memories immediately came flooding back. It’s true! Ryder used to call paper towels f*ck. Here’s a post I wrote in 2010 – when Ryder, as an impressionable toddler, picked up on my potty mouth and in a nanosecond, completely erased any mommy cred I had. Sigh.

August 20, 2010

I say paper towels, Ryder says f**k.

WHAT??

Okay, it’s all my fault. I broke the cardinal rule of parenting – Whatever You Do, Do Not Swear in Front of Your Child. And not only did I break it, but my infraction took place at a time when Ryder only needs to hear a word once to add it to his vocabulary. Sheesh.

It was three weeks ago, and I was lining my eyes with a soft black eyeliner in the bathroom. Ryder came in to observe (he likes watching mommy play with all the pretty pots) and I basically ignored him, going about my business as usual. Just as I was admiring my handiwork, out of the corner of my eye I noticed that Ryder had completely unrolled the toilet paper – leaving it in tufts on the floor.

“F**K!” I yelled.

He looked at me with wide eyes, pointed at the toilet paper, and said “F**k.”

“No, no, no,” I corrected. “That’s toilet paper. TOI-LET PA-PER. Say it, Ryder – Toilet Paper.”

He stared at me blankly. Whatever, we’re cool. No harm done. I calmly re-rolled the toilet paper to the best of my abilities and took him downstairs for breakfast.

Did you ever notice how paper towel rolls look like giant toilet paper rolls? Ryder did. And he then pointed to the paper towel roll on the counter top and declared, “F**k.”

Lord Jesus, what have I done.

I corrected him once again. And the next day. And the next day. I tried diversion: “Did you mean truck, Ryder? Because that’s not a truck, that’s a paper towel roll.” I tried correcting him: “Oooh, that is a bad word, sweetheart, you shouldn’t say it.” And I even tried begging: “Please, please, please, say PA-PER TO-WEL, come on, say it for mommy.”

Nothing doin’.

Now like most toddler phases, I was prepared to wait it out, reasoning that sooner or later he would forget the baddie and accept that “paper towels” is in fact the preferred term for tiny towels made of paper. But you know what really blows? The fact that he finds it necessary to point out the f**k to everyone who visits my home. Grandma has seen the f**k. My girlfriend was passed a f**k. Even Ryder’s great aunt was offered a f**k. And then I invariably turn beet red as I try to explain why my baby boy is cussing out the paper goods.

Oh well. Walmart’s got a good price on paper towels this week. Time to stock the f**k up.

Filed Under: Family Tagged With: babies, fun, Lena, random rant

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Jason

    April 23, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    Bahaha x) I love your posts Lena! The neighbors must think I’m pretty strange sitting here giggling to myself, I’m literally wiping tears from eyes!

    • Lena

      April 23, 2014 at 6:54 pm

      Hahaha I can laugh about it too now!

  2. Teresa Claire

    April 23, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    You are so funny!!

    • Lena

      April 23, 2014 at 7:05 pm

      :) Glad I made you giggle!

  3. Susan T.

    April 23, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    Lol! They are little parrots aren’t they! I have a hard time watching my tongue around my nieces and nephews but try my best because I know they pick up on everything!

    • Lena

      April 23, 2014 at 7:06 pm

      Oh they do! And often, you only have to say it once!!

  4. Matthew Tully

    April 23, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    That is the funniest thing I read today….bahahahahaha….Sounds so much like my Sister and my nephew…OMG I can hear it now!

    • Lena

      April 23, 2014 at 7:22 pm

      Sadly, I can hear it now too! LOL!

  5. Jen Conlin

    April 23, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    OMG That is Hilarious! As a Mom on 2 boys I am guilty of the same offense. Once is all it takes. i found out the hard way after they started to parrot some of my driving expressions. “F#@K Suzy! Now they are teens and I laugh but it is not so funny when you have to explain to people where it came from at the time. Ahhh This made me giggle at the memories! :D

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:17 am

      F*ck Suzy! I’ve never heard of that expression but it’s hilarious!

  6. Katie C

    April 23, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    This rocks!!! I was watching meet the fockers when my son was small and he was in the exercauser…. Got to te part where the little boy in the movie says ash hole… My son for the next 3 months called everyone an $&! Hole…better yet he looked exactly like the kid in the movie!

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:18 am

      OMG that is priceless!

  7. sarah sar

    April 23, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    HAHAHA omg this reminds me of my little cousin. He picked up the F word so fast…he was only 5 and fell off his bike one day….he landed face first on the ground, got up, looked around really confused and went “What the F**K!!!!” I swear I turned a shade of red, then purple, then blue….then I had to run and hide and laughed my butt off. Will never forget that moment. Wish I had my camera! Oh, and I never swore in front of him again. Kids, eh!

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:20 am

      Hahahaha I can so picture that Sarah!

  8. Debbie S.

    April 23, 2014 at 10:44 pm

    LOL! Priceless, yes It happens for sure. Kids only need to hear ti once. My son used that word replacing walk, yeah, wasn’t good We had to do a lot of running in public, because people really stared when he said lets go “walking” mom!

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:20 am

      Hahaha what a word to replace!! Too funny!

  9. Caryn s

    April 23, 2014 at 11:55 pm

    I can totally relate Lena except my baby girls wears like a Romanian trucker just like her daddy and she loves to bust it out at church. Thank goodness there is no one that speaks Romanian at our church or I would die!

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:21 am

      In church!! Oh my goodness, LOL!

  10. Lynda Cook

    April 24, 2014 at 7:05 am

    Thanks once again for making me laugh, this is the funniest story I have read in awhile, now when I look at the paper towels I can picture Ryder saying F**k..lol just this morning I was in the kitchen and started laughing, hubby wanted to know why, so I told him and he got a chuckle out of that one too!! Kids ya gotta love em!!

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:21 am

      Hahaha so happy I made you chuckle!

  11. Debbie W

    April 24, 2014 at 7:47 am

    OMG. This is halarious. Thanks for the morning giggle

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:22 am

      You’re welcome Debbie!

  12. heather robbins

    April 24, 2014 at 10:40 am

    LOL! Thanks for the morning laugh :)

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:22 am

      Happy to make you giggle :)

  13. Nicole W.

    April 24, 2014 at 10:44 am

    Hahahaha, great story – for us, at least! Oh, man!!

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:22 am

      LOL I can laugh at it now :)

  14. Darlene Schuller

    April 24, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    hahahaha.. *memories* .. my son called every moving vehicle a “f*ck”… fun times <3 We couldn't go through a parking lot without discussing the f*ck's, colour, big, small… didn't matter… he had an odd obssession with cars & trucks back then….anywhere we went he asked if he could touch the f*ck if there was one around :)

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:23 am

      Oh that is too funny Darlene! How long did that phase last?

  15. Flora M

    April 24, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    Oh my !! LOL !! Of all things, the most commonly used paper towels LOL Yes, kids sure do seem to pick up on the darndest words and repeat them in the most embarrassing of situations (like maybe the middle of a grocery store?) ROFL
    OK, I think I can finally see the screen again after laughing so hard !

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:24 am

      :) Thanks for laughing along with me!

  16. Victoria Ess

    April 24, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    Haha oh my gosh, I burst out into laughter at work. You should put together a book of these hilarious anecdotes.

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:26 am

      I think that maybe I will – one day!

  17. jaimeem

    April 25, 2014 at 10:32 am

    Omgosh, haha, so funny. Unfortunate but funny. I was lucky enough where my son copied the words but consistency lead him to stop

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:27 am

      It’s good to be successful at derailing the bad words!

  18. MrDisco

    April 25, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    that’s a funny story

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:27 am

      Thanks!

  19. Heidi C.

    April 26, 2014 at 1:57 am

    Oh, I would just die! I would never live it down!

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:27 am

      :) It took me a long time to!

  20. A.Smith

    April 26, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    LOL!! That whole song has now changed in my head…

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:28 am

      Happy to make you laugh!

  21. Tenille

    April 27, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    Time to stock the F–K up indeed! Love it, I’ve never ever done a thing like that though. Ever. Really. Truly. :P

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:28 am

      Of course you haven’t!! ;)

  22. Tricha

    April 27, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    Lol! I do remember reading this post before. Oh, kids, they are like sponges.

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:28 am

      That just means you are a super-awesome long time reader!

  23. Melinda L.

    April 30, 2014 at 11:50 am

    LOL. oh dear. It’s one of those momentary lapses…kids are too clever for their own good sometimes ;)

    • Lena

      May 4, 2014 at 7:29 am

      They really are!

  24. kathy downey

    February 23, 2016 at 11:24 am

    OMG i almost pee my pants reading this post….haha you brightened my day with this one..gotta love them

  25. kathy downey

    August 19, 2017 at 4:43 pm

    My daughter & her hubby recently came home with their first born a son.We had so much funny telling all her toddler stories and before you know it you will be doing it with him and this one will be a god one !

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Lena Almeida

Toronto Blogger, Social Media Strategist for Listen to Lena Inc. Television & Radio Personality, Columnist and Speaker. Family Travel Expert. Star Wars Fanatic. Perfecting the Art of Conversuasion. Read More…

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