Listen to Lena

Perfecting the Art of Conversuasion

It’s Good to be a Loser… In Hollywood

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File this one under… “We can solve world hunger one Hollywood swag bag at a time.”

This morning, I came across an article on US Magazine online that I simply had to share. Entitled “Oscars 2014 Celebrity Gift Bags: Losing Nominees Will Receive $80,000 Worth of Products”, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. NOT because I think celebrities don’t deserve a goody bag – or because I have a pseudo-political agenda that urges the rich to distribute their wealth. The truth is, I love actors, I love movies, and I love the Academy Awards… and what they choose to gift to their nominated attendees is their prerogative.

So why the eye roll? The contents, dude, the contents of the gift bag.

“While a select group will take home those coveted gold statues at the Oscars on Sunday, March 2, some of the losers will at least have their $80,000 ‘Everyone Wins at the Oscars’ gift bags. For the 15th year, L.A.-based marketing firm Distinctive Assets will give the gift bags to the losing nominees in the Best Actor/Actress, Supporting Actor/Actress, and Director categories.

Us Weekly takes a sneak peek inside each parcel – and highlights the most outrageous products.” And…. here are my personal faves:

Weird Procedures, $18,070

Uh O! Celebs will receive the O-Shot procedure, which supposedly “rejuvenates and enhances the genital tissue of a woman.” The $2,700 procedure is said to enhance sexual response and slow urinary incontinence. For the gents (and some ladies): hair restoration surgery using ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant system ($16,000) is also offered.

Er…. I’m not sure how to respond. Do I picture Cate Blanchett sitting in the waiting room of a local clinic, reading the 16-page disclaimer agreement pertaining to her orgasm shot? No. Would she gift it to her assistant? Maybe.

A Walk through Japan and the Best of Vegas, $24,000

Explorers will have the chance to tour and discover the authentic, non-touristy side of Japan by foot from Walk Japan ($15,000). Celebs will also have the chance to live it up through the Best of Las Vegas offering ($9,000), which includes a face-to-face meeting with Boyz II Men.

While the Japan walking tour is cool – if a celebrity actually thought it safe to walk through a 127.6 million-populated country without being recognized – I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if Leonardo DiCaprio wanted to have a face-to-face meeting with Boyz II Men, he’d just… you know, call them up. No need to wait for the coupon included in the swag bag!

Maple Syrup — and a Maple Tree!

Celebs will receive $280 worth of pure organic maple syrup, salad dressings, jellies, mustard, and an apron. But that’s not all! Each star will receive an adoption certificate of a maple tree in Notre-Dame-Des-Bois. Cost? Invaluable.

WTH? Invaluable? I actually checked out the cost, and it’s $138. Why a multimillionaire celebrity needs to adopt a maple tree in Quebec, I do not know. But, if you want to feel like a multimillionaire celebrity, good news! It’ll only set you back a bill and change.

Okay I’m done. I can’t even continue because my eyes have rolled upward for so long I’m afraid they’ll stay like that permanently. Click here to see the entire list of highlights, including a horse shampoo for humans ($95), his and hers Mace pepper spray guns ($120), and a narrative clip that gives its users a shareable photographic memory ($279).

Reader Interactions

Comments

  3. nicolthepickle

    Horse shampoo for humans is hilarious. Well maybe their point was to get people talking. I think it worked.

  4. francine

    I wonder how many throw out that expensive junk that could be given to others who might actually want or benefit from it.

    • Lena

      I’m actually laughing because this is only a PARTIAL list – US Magazine only posted the “highlights”!

  7. dannyscotland

    Why can’t they just give them the value of those gifts as donations to charity in their name? That would be so much better. Seriously, those celebs don’t need that stuff and if they do, they can darn well buy it themselves. Ridiculous. And downright shameful. What a waste of money.

  8. jaimeem

    Ugh…. what the heck man. Kind of a huge waste of money, I do hope some celebs wise up and just donate all of that crap to a good cause… sell it on ebay and donate the portions to something useful.

  11. Marissa

    This is ridiculous! In the first place, I don’t see any logic in the losing nominees getting celebrity gift bags worth $80,000 of products. Sounds stupid to me. Instead, the money should be donated to a worthy cause to help the less fortunate in our community.

  12. Guppy5700

    Excuse me? – A Train Trek through the Rocky Mountains, $6,850

    Recipients will receive a TWO-day rail journey on the Rocky Mountaineer luxury train, which travels through Western Canada. Their journey will start with an overnight stay in Vancouver, then the train will travel past waterfalls, endless forests, still lakes, and other scenic spots until it arrives at its destination, a resort town in the Canadian Rockies….

    That train must be serving gold plated, diamond encrusted, endangered species for dinner because how the heck does 2 days cost almost $7K! I can get the Via Rail from Vancouver for 1/6th the cost…

    • Lena

      Right?? Unless there’s a super duper private luxury compartment we’ve never heard of? But still… isn’t a train ride still a train ride??

  13. Jenn

    Yes! I read this somewhere as well and was amazed at some of the things that they will receive! The maple syrup and tree were the most surprising… I guess it just goes to show that celebs have everything these days so they have to come up with unique “gifts”.

  14. Doris Calvert

    omg! What will they come up with next!! The O shot, geez even that’s fake there, sigh if I would have know as a teen I would have went to school for plastic surgery and moved to L.A

  15. Jason

    Wow, just WOW! I totally agree Lena, the rich should be the ones helping out society and I also think it’s a shame that they’re given that amount of “Swag” when there are people in that very community that are starving and struggling to live. It makes me angry when I see celebrities in those commercials to help feed a child in Africa or wherever for $1 a day. I’m positive that they can manage way more than $1/day so why aren’t they making donations instead of being paid for making the commercial! It’s a shame that there are few people who feel like us in the World, it would be such a better place!

  16. Soozle

    Only in Hollywood. hahah It is terribly sad that so much money is being spend on random goods (that probably wont be used) when that money could go towards such better and more important things… As much as I love Hollywood for the entertainment of TV/Movies/Music it sickens me at the same time

    • Lena

      I’m with you. Adore movies, music and am definitely a celeb watcher!! But there’s a dark side to fame and fortune as well… though I really do see this more as an advertising move than anything else.

  20. Flora M

    OK, I think I have stopped laughing and eye-rolling enough to be able to type here… I think the people that came up with the idea for the contents of these gift bags need a reality check !! LOL The only semi-useful things in that bag of … gee I can’t even think of an appropriate word to describe them … would be the Maple syrup package, the Pet products – because that actually includes a donation to pet shelters in it, and maybe the Home Spa package (I wouldn’t mind the Spa package myself). The trips are nice, but gee, don’t they travel enough already ? The rest of them, well, lets all roll our eyes !!

    • Lena

      Hahaha great comment Flora! I too like that the pet products includes a donation. Wonder if the O-Shot people will include a donation for sexual health?

      • Flora M

        O !! Good grief !!! LOL !!!
        Just had another thought – acting is their job… wouldn’t it be nice if our jobs rewarded us the same way (well not exactly the same awful “goodies/baddies”) ??? LOL Talk about boosting productivity !!

        • Lena

          Indeed! Like, you didn’t get the raise but here’s a spa treatment instead… or, sorry we passed you up for the promotion, but here’s two tickets to Vegas!!!

          • Allie

            Worse yet sorry you didn’t get the raise or promotion But… here’s and O shot for you bahaahaha
            What a crazy world we live in!!!!

  21. Victoria Ess

    Oh wow, I clicked on that link and read the rest of that list! I wonder if celebs roll their eyes too, or if they see the world through a different lens where those items make sense…

  23. Melinda L.

    I have to wonder who comes up with some of these unusual gifts…. like seriously! And with that amount of goodies worth $80,000, it’s money best spent towards better things…like shelters and charities.