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It’s Good to be a Loser… In Hollywood

February 21, 2014 By Lena

File this one under… “We can solve world hunger one Hollywood swag bag at a time.”

This morning, I came across an article on US Magazine online that I simply had to share. Entitled “Oscars 2014 Celebrity Gift Bags: Losing Nominees Will Receive $80,000 Worth of Products”, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. NOT because I think celebrities don’t deserve a goody bag – or because I have a pseudo-political agenda that urges the rich to distribute their wealth. The truth is, I love actors, I love movies, and I love the Academy Awards… and what they choose to gift to their nominated attendees is their prerogative.

So why the eye roll? The contents, dude, the contents of the gift bag.

“While a select group will take home those coveted gold statues at the Oscars on Sunday, March 2, some of the losers will at least have their $80,000 ‘Everyone Wins at the Oscars’ gift bags. For the 15th year, L.A.-based marketing firm Distinctive Assets will give the gift bags to the losing nominees in the Best Actor/Actress, Supporting Actor/Actress, and Director categories.

Us Weekly takes a sneak peek inside each parcel – and highlights the most outrageous products.” And…. here are my personal faves:

Weird Procedures, $18,070

Uh O! Celebs will receive the O-Shot procedure, which supposedly “rejuvenates and enhances the genital tissue of a woman.” The $2,700 procedure is said to enhance sexual response and slow urinary incontinence. For the gents (and some ladies): hair restoration surgery using ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant system ($16,000) is also offered.

Er…. I’m not sure how to respond. Do I picture Cate Blanchett sitting in the waiting room of a local clinic, reading the 16-page disclaimer agreement pertaining to her orgasm shot? No. Would she gift it to her assistant? Maybe.

A Walk through Japan and the Best of Vegas, $24,000

Explorers will have the chance to tour and discover the authentic, non-touristy side of Japan by foot from Walk Japan ($15,000). Celebs will also have the chance to live it up through the Best of Las Vegas offering ($9,000), which includes a face-to-face meeting with Boyz II Men.

While the Japan walking tour is cool – if a celebrity actually thought it safe to walk through a 127.6 million-populated country without being recognized – I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if Leonardo DiCaprio wanted to have a face-to-face meeting with Boyz II Men, he’d just… you know, call them up. No need to wait for the coupon included in the swag bag!

Maple Syrup — and a Maple Tree!

Celebs will receive $280 worth of pure organic maple syrup, salad dressings, jellies, mustard, and an apron. But that’s not all! Each star will receive an adoption certificate of a maple tree in Notre-Dame-Des-Bois. Cost? Invaluable.

WTH? Invaluable? I actually checked out the cost, and it’s $138. Why a multimillionaire celebrity needs to adopt a maple tree in Quebec, I do not know. But, if you want to feel like a multimillionaire celebrity, good news! It’ll only set you back a bill and change.

Okay I’m done. I can’t even continue because my eyes have rolled upward for so long I’m afraid they’ll stay like that permanently. Click here to see the entire list of highlights, including a horse shampoo for humans ($95), his and hers Mace pepper spray guns ($120), and a narrative clip that gives its users a shareable photographic memory ($279).

Filed Under: Lifestyle Tagged With: 2014 Academy Awards, fun, hollywood, random rant

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Chandra Christine O'Connor

    February 21, 2014 at 8:59 am

    very weird gifts especially the first one.

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 4:18 pm

      They’re all pretty out there! Not my kind of goody bag at all!

  2. angie smith

    February 21, 2014 at 9:10 am

    oh ONLY $80,000? is that all?! *Eyeroll*

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 4:27 pm

      Right?? If you count up the nominees, that’s over $1M in consolation prizes!

  3. nicolthepickle

    February 21, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Horse shampoo for humans is hilarious. Well maybe their point was to get people talking. I think it worked.

    • jaimeem

      February 21, 2014 at 4:02 pm

      i think that was probably the point as well.

      • Lena

        February 22, 2014 at 4:28 pm

        I agree as well – it’s really just a form of advertising.

  4. francine

    February 21, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    I wonder how many throw out that expensive junk that could be given to others who might actually want or benefit from it.

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 4:30 pm

      I’m not sure anyone needs horse shampoo – except horses? LOL!

      • francine

        February 23, 2014 at 11:30 am

        maybe the celebrities that actually have horses but i doubt anyone would use it on themselves lol.

      • Guppy5700

        February 24, 2014 at 5:42 pm

        I’ve actually heard, for many years, that it’s great shampoo for us ladies that love long straight hair. I have never tried it but keep meaning to. But $95 is ridiculous!

        • Lena

          March 2, 2014 at 5:03 pm

          Oooh…. I may have to look into it now! But not at $95, LOL

  5. Nicole W.

    February 21, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    Haha wow… those are some strange gifts!

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 4:31 pm

      Yup!! HollyWEIRD at its best!

  6. Lynda Cook

    February 21, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    All I can say is wow, same here eye roll…lol

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 4:32 pm

      I’m actually laughing because this is only a PARTIAL list – US Magazine only posted the “highlights”!

  7. dannyscotland

    February 21, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    Why can’t they just give them the value of those gifts as donations to charity in their name? That would be so much better. Seriously, those celebs don’t need that stuff and if they do, they can darn well buy it themselves. Ridiculous. And downright shameful. What a waste of money.

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      I’d love to see donations made in lieu of swag… maybe one day?

  8. jaimeem

    February 21, 2014 at 4:02 pm

    Ugh…. what the heck man. Kind of a huge waste of money, I do hope some celebs wise up and just donate all of that crap to a good cause… sell it on ebay and donate the portions to something useful.

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 4:45 pm

      Looking at the swag, it’s kind of hard to donate! Unless you know someone who needs an O-Shot?

      • jaimeem

        February 22, 2014 at 10:09 pm

        I dont think it’s so much a need as an ‘ohreally? I want to try it’ kind of thing lol

        • Lena

          March 2, 2014 at 5:04 pm

          LOL yup

  9. jaimeem

    February 21, 2014 at 4:02 pm

    On another note, I would love to own a maple tree.

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 4:48 pm

      Me too :) I find it funny they marked it down as “invaluable”. It’s actually very affordable and a great idea!

      • jaimeem

        February 22, 2014 at 10:09 pm

        no kidding! lol

  10. Cici G-H

    February 21, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    this is insane. it’s actually appalling. it should be donated to people in need!!

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 4:53 pm

      The only way for any of this to change is for the celebrities to decline the goody bag…

  11. Marissa

    February 21, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    This is ridiculous! In the first place, I don’t see any logic in the losing nominees getting celebrity gift bags worth $80,000 of products. Sounds stupid to me. Instead, the money should be donated to a worthy cause to help the less fortunate in our community.

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 4:55 pm

      Preach! Losers = losers. Not losers with almost $100K in consolation prizes!

  12. Guppy5700

    February 21, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    Excuse me? – A Train Trek through the Rocky Mountains, $6,850

    Recipients will receive a TWO-day rail journey on the Rocky Mountaineer luxury train, which travels through Western Canada. Their journey will start with an overnight stay in Vancouver, then the train will travel past waterfalls, endless forests, still lakes, and other scenic spots until it arrives at its destination, a resort town in the Canadian Rockies….

    That train must be serving gold plated, diamond encrusted, endangered species for dinner because how the heck does 2 days cost almost $7K! I can get the Via Rail from Vancouver for 1/6th the cost…

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 4:56 pm

      Right?? Unless there’s a super duper private luxury compartment we’ve never heard of? But still… isn’t a train ride still a train ride??

  13. Jenn

    February 21, 2014 at 11:22 pm

    Yes! I read this somewhere as well and was amazed at some of the things that they will receive! The maple syrup and tree were the most surprising… I guess it just goes to show that celebs have everything these days so they have to come up with unique “gifts”.

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 4:57 pm

      I think a hair transplant is a pretty unique gift to receive :)

  14. Doris Calvert

    February 22, 2014 at 2:07 am

    omg! What will they come up with next!! The O shot, geez even that’s fake there, sigh if I would have know as a teen I would have went to school for plastic surgery and moved to L.A

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 4:57 pm

      I think we all missed our calling!!

  15. Jason

    February 22, 2014 at 7:02 am

    Wow, just WOW! I totally agree Lena, the rich should be the ones helping out society and I also think it’s a shame that they’re given that amount of “Swag” when there are people in that very community that are starving and struggling to live. It makes me angry when I see celebrities in those commercials to help feed a child in Africa or wherever for $1 a day. I’m positive that they can manage way more than $1/day so why aren’t they making donations instead of being paid for making the commercial! It’s a shame that there are few people who feel like us in the World, it would be such a better place!

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 5:15 pm

      Agree with you Jason. The celebrity culture is so strange, isn’t it?

  16. Soozle

    February 22, 2014 at 7:29 am

    Only in Hollywood. hahah It is terribly sad that so much money is being spend on random goods (that probably wont be used) when that money could go towards such better and more important things… As much as I love Hollywood for the entertainment of TV/Movies/Music it sickens me at the same time

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 5:16 pm

      I’m with you. Adore movies, music and am definitely a celeb watcher!! But there’s a dark side to fame and fortune as well… though I really do see this more as an advertising move than anything else.

  17. loriag

    February 22, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Wow, big eye rolling here, and shaking my head.

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 5:16 pm

      I just tried to do both at the same time… and it is possible! LOL

  18. Darrah Bailey

    February 22, 2014 at 9:56 am

    WOw, strange.. I agree *eyeroll*

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 5:17 pm

      Strange indeed!

  19. Judy C (Judy Cowan)

    February 22, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Oh my, big eyeroll! The price alone is crazy but the items it contains????

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 5:17 pm

      I know – very questionable, eh?

  20. Flora M

    February 22, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    OK, I think I have stopped laughing and eye-rolling enough to be able to type here… I think the people that came up with the idea for the contents of these gift bags need a reality check !! LOL The only semi-useful things in that bag of … gee I can’t even think of an appropriate word to describe them … would be the Maple syrup package, the Pet products – because that actually includes a donation to pet shelters in it, and maybe the Home Spa package (I wouldn’t mind the Spa package myself). The trips are nice, but gee, don’t they travel enough already ? The rest of them, well, lets all roll our eyes !!

    • Lena

      February 22, 2014 at 5:19 pm

      Hahaha great comment Flora! I too like that the pet products includes a donation. Wonder if the O-Shot people will include a donation for sexual health?

      • Flora M

        February 23, 2014 at 11:09 am

        O !! Good grief !!! LOL !!!
        Just had another thought – acting is their job… wouldn’t it be nice if our jobs rewarded us the same way (well not exactly the same awful “goodies/baddies”) ??? LOL Talk about boosting productivity !!

        • Lena

          February 23, 2014 at 11:59 am

          Indeed! Like, you didn’t get the raise but here’s a spa treatment instead… or, sorry we passed you up for the promotion, but here’s two tickets to Vegas!!!

          • Allie

            February 24, 2014 at 4:45 pm

            Worse yet sorry you didn’t get the raise or promotion But… here’s and O shot for you bahaahaha
            What a crazy world we live in!!!!

  21. Victoria Ess

    February 23, 2014 at 11:48 am

    Oh wow, I clicked on that link and read the rest of that list! I wonder if celebs roll their eyes too, or if they see the world through a different lens where those items make sense…

    • Lena

      February 23, 2014 at 12:00 pm

      Interesting question Victoria… if I ever interview and Academy Award loser, I’ll be sure to ask :)

  22. MrDisco

    February 24, 2014 at 10:11 pm

    seems legit to me

  23. Melinda L.

    February 25, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    I have to wonder who comes up with some of these unusual gifts…. like seriously! And with that amount of goodies worth $80,000, it’s money best spent towards better things…like shelters and charities.

    • Lena

      February 28, 2014 at 10:08 am

      I wonder why they select certain advertisers over other too!

  24. Stephanie LaPlante

    February 25, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    Honestly…what a waste of money. Each gift bag’s value could helps hundreds of homeless people, animals or illnesses. *also rolling eyes*

    • Lena

      February 28, 2014 at 10:08 am

      Yup. I know!!

  25. Katja

    February 28, 2014 at 9:34 am

    I’m still cringing about the O-shot.

    • Lena

      February 28, 2014 at 10:08 am

      Right?? I can’t even think about it. *shudder*

  26. kathy downey

    September 5, 2016 at 9:54 am

    Horse shampoo…omg all this stuff is such a waste with so many people and animals in need

  27. kathy downey

    August 21, 2017 at 1:35 pm

    Certainly not a goodie bag i would want !

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Lena Almeida

Toronto Blogger, Social Media Strategist for Listen to Lena Inc. Television & Radio Personality, Columnist and Speaker. Family Travel Expert. Star Wars Fanatic. Perfecting the Art of Conversuasion. Read More…

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