(It’s not what you think. I’m still deliriously happy with my husband.)
But, I have been dumped. And sometimes, being tossed aside by a friend is just as hard to survive as a romantic break up. Often, it’s worse – because friendships can run the course of 10, 15, over 20 years… and the emotional investment is often just as deep.
Have you ever broken up with a friend? Has a friend ever turned his/back on you?
My former girlfriend and I were chums since high school. Although we ran in different circles, we were always kind and friendly to one another – recognizing that we had a lot in common, and our brief conversations were easy and lively. Our friendship strengthened when we attended university together – since we had many classes together and commuted in on the same GO Train, it’s no wonder we became closer; two people brought together by circumstance and proximity.
As the years passed, our friendship evolved – first, we continued to touch each other’s lives peripherally, with coffee dates, casual phone calls and a trip to the mall or two. Later, when I was married and had my children, she became a fixture in my life, serving not only as a confidant and supporter, but also a ticket to the “other side” – still single, I reveled in her carefree lifestyle.
But then, she met her husband-to-be. And that marked the beginning of the end of our friendship.
Now I’m totally cool with the fact that she met the man of her dreams – I fully endorse jumping into love recklessly and with your heart on your sleeve. In fact, I’d be worried if she didn’t cancel our plans in the beginning – complete and utter infatuation requires snubbing your friends at regular intervals :)
The thing is, the snubbing carried on, well after I felt comfortable turning a blind eye.
Phone calls not returned. Birthday parties missed. Special occasions forgotten. And when we did chat, she was constantly busy with her new love, her new life. In fact, I was quite concerned that her husband was controlling her social calendar. Or, maybe she is just one of those girls who completely loses her identity when she is in a relationship.
Either way, after a while, she just stopped calling – and stopped caring.
The truth is, I didn’t “fit” into her new life. I wasn’t part of her family soirees, I had no involvement in her community, and although I did my part to keep the lines of communication open, it’s hard to make someone work at a friendship. Plus, I like to say what’s on my mind, and if a friend does something to hurt me, yes I am comfortable enough to be honest with her.
So I did just that. And, she responded by breaking up with me.
And it hurt, it hurt a hell of a lot.
I spent the next few months wondering if I should have just kept my mouth shut – taken the friendship on her terms. I don’t have a lot of close friends, so why throw away years of closeness over a silly thing like love and respect?
Oh yeah, that’s why we’re not friends anymore. Because I do believe friends need to love each other enough to make time to keep the friendship strong, and respect one another’s needs – even if that means admitting you’ve been a bad friend.
So, I’ve been dumped. I’m one less friend.
But, I do have good friends. Friends who always have my back; friends who I can turn to when nursing a broken heart – even when it’s over another girl. And to those friends, I thank you.
Often when people cast aside life long friends it’s because they’re completely selfish and don’t value their friends. They think their new man is all they need but just wait when they’re unhappy and have no one to turn to then they’ll see what happens.
Aw Lena {HUGS} to you. It’s never easy when 2 people grow apart and its even worse when 1 person it self absorbed, which it sounds like your ex-friend is. You’re better off without her! Friends who take but don’t give aren’t friends.
Stay strong Lena. True friendships will stay strong over time. If this girl is breaking up with long time friends chances are it’s not you, it’s her.
I had a similar situation where a friend got in a relationship and then didn’t have time for her friends, and her world revolved around her new boyfriend. That’s not healthy and in the long run, she just became a shadow of him. She stopped doing things she was interested in and only hung out with her friends when her boyfriend was present. Soon she lost of her friends and surprise suprise they’re not together any more.
Agree with what has been written, you’re far better off. And you absolutely should have said something. Accepting her terms on that “friendship” meant there really wasn’t one anyway. At least you said how you felt, I think you know you’re not missing out on anything. You’re a great lady, your friends are lucky to have you!
Oh friend, wish I could give you hugs!
I too recently lost a friend myself, though it’s been a gradual loss over the past 4-5 years. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said something, but I didn’t. We too had such great times, but life changes and people change. It’s sad, but I have accepted it.
And, makes me all the more grateful for the dear friends I do have! xoxo
I made a mistake once with a friend I made in university who was like a sister to me. While she accepted my apology years later, we are no longer friends and it still stings. I don’t have many close friends so I can relate to how much it hurts when you lose one.
Ps. I’ve got your back any day.
I too have been dumped and I can attest that it hurts like heck. What kept me strong was knowing that the person was hurting too. If you were a good friend than hold your head up high because sometimes in life people only care about themselves. SOunds like your friend replaced you with her husband but he will never be emotionally there for her like a friend can be.
Been there, done that..still missing my friend even after 5 years. Finally we got in touch again, but it’s not the same.
Life goes on, people change..but it’s so hard to find true friends, and the childhood friends are so hard to replace.
Aww Lena. I think we all have one or two people in our lives that seem to float away once they jump into relationships/jobs/etc. It’s hard not to focus on the ones we’ve lost rather than the ones we have at times, because we internalize it all as rejection.
The important thing to remember is that we can’t carry on fearing that this kind of thing will happen to us – we’ve got to live our friendships to the fullest, and hope that they last.
Great post.
Ever feel that your friend has used up everthing you had in your friendship and has moved on to bigger and better friends (phhhtttt) left you in the dust and now you are just an after thought.( do I sound bitter) Oh sure you still get invites the day before an event or not at all only to see picture and know you were not invited seriously ouch!!!. But when you have known sombody longer than you haven’t known them it hurts to be left out of and not uncluded. Major life events should be shared with best friends but sadley no . I think I have definately been dropped and I haven’t approched the subject because it hurts too much!!! (Well it looks like I’m not alone there)
Lena you are a keeper her loss!!!
Alllie :(
Sometimes growing apart has to be punctuated by an actual break up, though, simply because there’s so much history that it requires that bit of “ok, this is definitely it” type closure.
Ohhhhhhh, Lena!!! This post made me a little sad, but also made me realize how everyone comes into our lives for a reason. They’re not always there for the long run, but they’re in our lives at a moment when we need them. They teach us lessons about life, relationships, what we want/need and what we don’t want/need in a friendship. I’m sorry to hear that this has happened, but you are so rich in friendships you do have. I luv you, lady!!!!
Sorry to hear about the break-up… break-ups suck. I feel like a 15-year-old using that term, but that really sums it up. I’m sorry for the hurt and loss you’re going through, as I know how invested one gets after “being together” that long. You already know it was the right thing to tell her how you felt – relationships can’t be one-sided forever, and you would have been doing yours a disservice by letting it go on.If something was, indeed, going on in her relationship that you were unaware of (as Momus seems to think is the case), then this was her opportunity to come clean with you and make it right.
You’re a great friend and a lovely person… you deserve better. xo
It makes me sad to know you’re sad. You’re such caring person with a beautiful heart. It’s very obvious that your feeling are still hurt by this, as they would be for anyone who has had a relationship end. My heart still hurts when I think of an old friend who I ‘lost touch’ with. We grew up together, learned how to french braid, practiced silly dance routines, crushed on Patrick Swazye in the late 80’s and NKOTB in the early 90’s, and went to prom together (happily leaving our men at home). But we both found new lives in our twenties, moved far from each other, and then I got married and had kids. That caused us to grow apart even more, being at such different stages in our lives.
But the more I’ve thought about our break-up, the more I’ve realized that those are just excuses. Big deal I got married and had kids first. Big deal that she had a life of freedom through her twenties. And big deal that we lived ‘far’ apart. Two of my best girlfriends (who are still an extremely important part of my life) are single with no children. One lives on the other side of Canada, the other in a different country. But those factors don’t ever get in our way of caring for and loving each other. And I know that I can count on each of them any time I need them. So maybe it just wasn’t mean-to-be with my old friend, and we’re probably better off apart. We have memories, and thinking of the past still brings me to tears. But we were an inconvenience to each other and no relationship should be based on an inconvenience.
You have many years ahead of you to enjoy your incredible family, and the love and friendship you have with your girlfriends. You won’t be able to let go completely of the memories you have with your old friend, but you will eventually get used to not having her be a part of your life. In choosing not to be in your life, she’s missing out on a wonderful friend and relationship. And I’m sure she will have regrets one day, maybe not today, but it will happen.
Keep smiling, beautiful lady :) I feel blessed to call you my friend.
Thank you for posting this Lena! Your story is very similar to mine. I had a friend that I knew since we were 13. We grew up in church together, went to the same highschool together. She was even a bridesmaid in my wedding! She too met the love of her life and all went downhill from there. I tried to keep in touch with her as much as I could. She began to ignore all my calls, deleted me on Facebook, she eventually changed her phone number so she would have no contact with any of her friends. I had found out she was getting married and all of us (her friends) were not invited. Im not sure why she chose to not have me be a part of her life any longer. It’s just really upsetting and sad.
Too bad she didn’t bother to say anything if you had done or said something to bother her- enough to end a 15 year old friendship! I can’t imagine what you could have done to make her want to end it, and I really can’t imagine why it couldn’t have been worked out :(
I also find it strange that her marriage wouldn’t make her want to hang around with you and your family even more- you are now at the same point in your life!
Anyways you are sad now, soon you will be angry, and soon after that you won’t care anymore…
Hi Lena —
If this person is who I think it is — I can’t tell you how shocked I am. I know how close you guys have always been, and I was certain you’d be friends for life. I just can’t believe it. I know it hurts to lose a best friend. It happened to me when I was 27, after 16 years of friendship. My best friend had a crush on my (now) husband, but John had always wanted to date me (I’d met him on a summer job 9 years earlier, and we shared one kiss that summer (despite the fact I was in a relationship. Yes, I’m bad, but I was 18)). She knew John had feelings for me (in fact, I’d told her a couple of months earlier that he had recently told me he loved me) and she knew I always had feelings for him (although the timing was never right for us), but she figured since I was in an (unhappy) relationship with another man (7 years — we’d broken up a few times, but I kept going back to him) that she could make John care for her. She asked him on a date and they went out a few times. It was a mess. I was upset, given I’d always had feelings for John (and I ended up making the final “break up” with my then boyfriend shortly thereafter, realizing I shouldn’t be so upset about the whole situation). You can tell this was a disaster in the making. John decided after a few dates he just couldn’t keep seeing my friend, and he showed up at my house at 3 in the morning to lay his cards on the table, and told me he had feelings for me, and he was tired of waiting. I held him off for a couple of months (I had wanted to be single for a while after my break-up with my ex) but we did see each other almost every day. Long story short — ex-best-friend hated me ever after. I did everything I could conceive of to reconcile, but all advances were spurned.
That being said — it’s now ten years later. And guess what? She’s married, has an 8-month-old baby, and at a high school reunion this past summer, she extended an olive branch. Just this week we went for a long walk with the kids, and have plans to see each other again on Monday. So who knows? I never thought we’d reconcile. I don’t think it could ever be the same, especially because I married John (whom she probably loathes, although we’ve not discussed it) but we do have such a shared history, that I hope we can make amends in some fashion. So maybe you and your friend will make your way back to each other at some point. I just think it’s such an awful shame that she’s willing to let your friendship die like this. I honestly can’t believe it, and I can’t see why she’d do this. I don’t see a precipitating factor, and I can’t imagine what you could possibly have done to deserve this. I agree with your thinking — it sounds like her hubby may be controlling her. I don’t know if she’s in an abusive relationship, but it makes you wonder. A close friend just recently came out that her partner had been abusing her (she just left him) and that’s why she wasn’t seeing any of us. She’d dropped off the radar for a couple of years — not showing up to events she promised to attend, cancelling at the last minute, not calling etc. So we stopped trying to include her. And then she revealed to me this week she cut us off because it upset him so much, he’d rip up tickets, break her cell phone, smack her etc — because he was so threatened by her friendships. It makes me wonder if that’s what’s going on behind the scenes with this person. I’ve been there (3 years with abusive guy when I was 17) and that’s what they do. Try to cut you off from everyone that’s not them. I hope that’s not the case — but a lot of the signs are there.
Hang in there — you do have other friends, and I hope you eventually feel less of the loss.
Hugs,
Janice
It is very hard to lose someone you thought was a friend and with whom you have shared many special moments; I have lost a few in my lifetime {I have been around a while] but I realize now that there was not a true, honest friendship there.
There is one person in my life who has been with me since I was 15, I am now 52. We don’t talk all the time, we both have busy lives, live in different cities, but I know that she would be there in a heartbeat if I needed her as I would for her. I don’t even need to tell my DH who I am on the phone with when he walks in the room, he just knows…she is on the other end of the line. No one makes me laugh the way she does! { well my Dh does, but he is there with me! }
Lena, you are a beautiful, caring person, if she feels she no longer wants you a part of her life, that is very sad… she is definitely missing out! (hugs)
Hey, I feel for you. All I can say is to take solace in the fact that you know she’s behaved like this before with what was supposed to be a close friend at the time. That means it’s not you, it’s her – really, it’s her. So don’t take it personally. I’ve lost many friends over the years who I thought were close, but different circumstances and situations have shown that they really weren’t as selfless as I could reasonably expect; when a friendship becomes you giving more and no return from the other, then it’s not really a healthy friendship anymore.
It’s not easy because you’re thinking of all the years invested, but don’t look at it as time wasted. Be happy to have enjoyed the good times and the memories you created together. For some reason (and you’ve got a good idea why) your friendship does not “fit” her lifestyle anymore. So, it’s time to put her out of mind, and find new friends. And cherish those who are true to you! All the best to you, lots of love…
Yep, been there. Just last year, actually. I had a friend of 20 years and truthfully, our entire friendship revolved around her. In university, she didn’t have a car and I did. So I always drove her home after we hung out, even though she lived in Scarborough and I lived in Etobicoke. I figured one day, she’ll return the favour. She never did. In fact, whenever we hung out, it was me going to her house which is 45 minutes away. She never visited me because I “live too far.” But I was always willing to see her, even after I had my baby because she wanted to see the new baby. Needless to say, I realized that she is one of the most self-centred person I know and that I no longer had time to keep working at this friendship. We had a situation last year, and that was it. We haven’t spoken ever since. But to be honest with you, I’m not sad and I don’t miss her. It’s like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I no longer have to work so hard at a one-sided friendship.
(Troll Comment Removed)
You’re awesome Lena! Anyone who does read your blog would know that you have perfected the balance between brand relationships and personal experiences. That is why you are such a success! Your personal posts have helped me numerous times in my own life, by giving me great advice and by letting me know that I’m not alone. Keep doing what you’re doing :)
Agreed Shauna! I think that the people that are making the over-the-top COMMENTS need to look at themselves…Lena has every right to post what’s on her mind, it’s HER blog, and the fact that there are more comments of support and relatable tales just proves that she good at what she does and people love her :)
I agree with Shauna and Victoria.
Yet I’d like to add that it’s obvious these nasty comments are being left by said past ‘friend’ or someone she knows. Very sad but just proves that you are WAY better off Lena.
*UPDATE*
I wanted to thank each and every one of you who left words of encouragement and support on my post. It is wonderful to know that others have been through similar experiences, and, for better or for worse, you’ve all come out feeling much better.
While it is normally my modus operandi to answer every comment on my blog, unfortunately, I was subjected to comments from an individual(s), using several aliases (“Momus”, “Cindy” and “J”) – but all from the same IP address – which made me sit back and re-evaluate this post.
While I will allow this:
This is a personal post, on a personal blog, and as such, I do not normally censor comments. However, in an effort to show undue respect to all individuals involved, I have removed all comments deemed offensive and have also removed my responses to all comments. To my readers, I thank you for taking the time to share your stories – they are therapeutic and appreciated. By the same token, I have removed offensive comments from the individual(s) using several aliases mentioned above.
I will not allow this:
Please do not troll my blog. This is a personal post and every effort at anonymity was made – the entire post simply tells my version of the events. But guess what? Every post on my blog is my version of the events.
One of the last comments from “J” – as many of you witnessed before I deleted it – said “One last thing Lena I dare you to say this to their faces. You’ll get an opportunity sooner then you think.”
(OMG it’s “than”, not “then”. #grammarcop)
I may remove comments deemed inappropriate, and I may concede that some comments – even though they were made against an “anonymous” subject – may be construed as harsh, but I simply do not tolerate threats. Thankfully, through the magic of the Internet, “J” commented from 2 different IP addresses from the same general location (the second of which “Momus” and “Cindy” commented from), which I would be happy to forward to my local authorities should the threats be made real.
And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Thanks for sharing. And geez… mean comments? What the what?
You’re very welcome :) A few of the ex-friend’s family members saw this post and decided to get nasty. With really, really bad grammar.