Chapter One.
This is the first of a series of posts detailing my journey with breastfeeding. I can promise you two things – I will talk about my personal experience and I will go into detail. If that makes you uncomfortable, stop reading now! Just hit “Home” and scroll up or down until you find a lighter topic :)
So here’s the story. Three months before Reid was born, I began researching everything to do with breastfeeding. Lactation consultants. Latches. Feeding positions. Help. I was bound and determined to breastfeed my baby-to-be.
His big brother Ryder did not enjoy the same privilege. Through a combination of innocence and ignorance, I simply didn’t prepare myself for the total and selfless commitment associated with putting the baby to the boob. Sure, I paid attention in prenatal classes. But learning about BF’ing ahead of time is like watching a cooking show at 2 a.m. Everything looks simple until the raw beef is in front of you (wow, even I think that’s a strange metaphor). But I’m sure you know what I mean – it’s only when you’re actually in the situation that you either sink or swim.
Here’s my list of excuses:
1. I was discharged from the hospital just 24 hours after Ryder was born, so there I was- a first time mother, who had no idea how to hold a baby, let alone take care of one. I was showed all of 4 times how to put the baby to the breast, and while it looked so simple in the hospital with the nurse guiding the baby, at home on my own was a different story. It hurt. He broke off and fell asleep more often than not. I couldn’t successfully latch him on the left breast. It sucked.
2. Speaking of the left breast, it was the bane of my existence. With a slightly larger areola and thicker texture than the right, Ryder simply slid off every time I tried to have him latch. After several fruitless attempts, he would cry in frustration. Then I would cry – and proceed to dump him back on the right. My left breast became engorged to the point that I leaned to the left when I walked (well, not really, but you get the point).
3. Ryder was born with a cephalhematoma, which is essentially a bump on the noggin. Although it didn’t occur to us at the time, he must have had one hell of a headache. And as such, he was more interested in sleeping than nursing. Wouldn’t you want to sleep off a hangover? So Ryder continued to lose weight, and I began to panic. The formula was in my house, I could give it to him. I could nourish him. I could feed him. So I did. Bye bye breast milk.
So that’s why Ryder was breastfeed for a total of four days, and I went on to experience postpartum guilt and depression for at least four months after. I felt like I had failed my son, and myself. There were resources available to me; I could have made it work. But I chose the right route for me at the time in order to keep my own sanity and make sure my baby was nourished.
Looking back, sure, I could have done things differently, but I no longer beat myself up over the decisions I made. Ryder is a healthy, active little boy with a tough-as-nails immune system (who despite warnings, has only been sick ONCE in two years with ONE ear infection, BF’ing Nazis be damned) and he’ll grow up knowing that his mommy did her best with what she was given.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t start all over again.
This time around, I was prepared. I all but demanded to see a lactation consultant while I was in the operating room (at which the nurse laughed at me, telling me to wait until they handed me my baby). Once I was wheeled to my room to recover, I refused to put Reid to my breast without a nurse present, because I wanted feedback on positioning, technique, etc. In short, I wanted to succeed. Was it easier this time? Hell no.
To be continued…
Amazing post! thank you for sharing your story.I failed at breastfeeding first time around with my daughter as well for very similar reasons as you. Second time round with my youngest I gave it my all. I met with a lactation consultant at the hospital and did followup sessions after I was discharged. I lasted about three weeks. I felt extremely guilty the first time around thinking I didn't try hard enough. Second time around there were reasons that made it extremely difficult for me to get a proper latch — and rather than beating myself up over it and being miserable when I should be happy, I stopped. Today I look at both my children now who are both happy and healthy — and thank god for them every day.Overall I think that though we all know the importance of breastfeeding there are some women who choose not to or simply can't for reasons that are their own. And rather than judge these women and make them feel guilty about their choices, let's be more supportive and understanding. Michelle
Hi Michelle!It's funny that we both think of our first experiences as "failing" ar breastfeeding vs. "successfully" nourishing our child. I think it's programmed in us to feel guilty or somehow less than perfect if we can't or choose not to breastfeed.That being said, I think it's wonderful that you gave it your best the second time around (I'm not at week three yet, but will keep you updated!) and came to a conclusion that what's important is that you're doing what's best for BOTH of you.I'm giving it my all this time, but I tell everyone who will listen that I'm not opposed to formula feeding and if it makes sense for my family, that's what I'll do. Thankfully, breastfeeding seems to be working this time, and I'm crossing my fingers that I can continue for as long as possible.Lovely chatting with you!
*Sigh* I recall the issues I had to deal with breastfeeding my first and having to listen to the people around me say that she wasn't getting enough breast milk. I managed to BF until 5.5 months and then she weaned herself at 8 months, but it was the most stressful eight months of my life, so much so that when I started feeling pressure to "produce" on demand with my son, I gave up early, almost 2 weeks. I did not want to live through the doubt and the stress. I wish it could have been different. And if I ever have third, which would be a big IF, I would be sure to voice my concerns and expectations beforehand. So kudos to you for sharing such intimate details of your life with the whole world, when I couldn't even talk about them effectively with my own husband! LOL I admire you for doing this and wish you all the best!
Thank you so much Diana! I also had a hard time communicating my concerns with my first, which is probably why I'm an open book this time around!
You raise a great point regarding my choice of words regarding my first experience! I do wish you all the best!! Can't wait to keep reading on how it goes.Michellexo
I enjoyed reading your post, Lena. It brings back memories of when I was trying to breastfeed my daughter. It was a tough road at first (for about the first six to eight weeks). She hated my left boob with a passion and would cry at the sight of it. I ended up using the football hold for the left and cross cradle for the right. As a friend told me at the time: you've never done this and your baby has never done this so yes, there is going to be a learning curve. In the end, I had a really good breastfeeding experience that lasted 13 months. In my experience, society expects mothers to breastfeed but provides little resources to help mothers. Even if you are able to get help while in the hospital, where do you get follow up help when you are at home? Yes, there are breastfeeding clinics, but at the hospital I delivered, I was could only go up until my daughter was three weeks old. Add parking costs, and it makes for an expensive visit, which can deter people from seeking help. Lactation consultants can be expensive to hire. Although the information presented at prenatal classes is helpful, how much of it are you going to retain when you have a newborn at home and running on little sleep? And then there is the generation gap to contend with. I couldn't rely on the experiences of my own mother or grandmother because they had never breastfed their children. Society may think it is fine to tell women "breast is best," and then hope for the best that women are able to breastfeed their children, but I believe society needs to provide mothers with resources and tools to help them in their breastfeeding journeys. Thanks for sharing your experiences, Lena. :) (And thanks for letting me get on my soapbox for a minute.)
Great post! BFing is HARD, no question about it. I found it insanely difficult at first, and my hubby kept saying, "you're killing yourself to breastfeed, why don't we just try formula?" I felt like we were missing out on that whole mother/baby bonding thing because I was so stressed out about it all the time. But it was worth every agonizing moment. It got easier and easier, and now that DD is 11 months, it's the easiest, most natural thing in the world (well, except when she bites!) and I can't imagine it any other way.
@westottawamommy – "You've never done this and your baby has never done this so yes, there is going to be a learning curve."LOVE that you recognize that breastfeeding involves cooperation from both mom and baby. Too many people blame the mother for incorrect hold, technique, etc. when really your baby is new at it too. It's only when both of you work at it together that there is hope for success (and even that isn't guaranteed).So happy to hear that you ended up having a wonderful experience. I commend you for your perseverance!
@Amanda – "It got easier and easier"… I'm very much counting on that! Every day it's a little better. I no longer clench my teeth when he latches on! Thank you so much for sharing your story and providing motivation :)
Like everyone else said it does get easier..the more relaxed you are the better..I really think babies feel the tension..I noticed a big difference in DD moods when I just "didn't sweat it!"..Good luck with BFing it's a very demanding job but so convenient when you're out shopping and you need to feed..it's right there hot & ready to go! :)
Great Post Charlene! Awesome that you shared the trials and tribulations of your "boobs" with us hehe. Glad that you did your homework and refused to give up the second time around. There are no winners or losers when it comes to your child you did your best each time and got different results, that's the journey of life!xoxo
That is fantastic Lena! I will admit it is hard. My first son was bf until he weaned himself at 18 months. I was young and 11 years ago, there wasn't much help. I remember going into the hospital on day 3 at 3 in the morning crying because I was engorged and he could not eat. The nurse told me to grow up and stop being a baby. Loved the help! Not!!My middle child was/is milk and soy allergic so I didn't have a choice. He was bf until I forced him off at 18 months because I was pregnant with the baby. He took to it quite well. Currently I am trying to wean the baby onto rice milk because he has milk allergies too. He is a year now and I've gone back to work. In the beginning with the baby, it was difficult even though I had done it before. He lost a lot of weight. One nurse was like ditch the boob and give him the bottle. Even my dh was convinced to go to the bottle. I managed to get in touch with a wonderful lactation consultant who helped. Without her, I would have gone crazy! It's all about making sure you have support. Support is so important and do what is comfortable for you and the baby. There are too many who are quick to judge you no matter which way you choose to feed. Only you know what's best :O) Take care, I'm only an email away if you have a question or just need support/vent! I think I've experienced it all over the course of the three boogies :O)
@Erin – thank you so much for the support! I'm really beginning to realize just how convenient BF'ing is… I can now feed the baby while simultaneously eating watermelon and reading a book! LOVE it!
@Rubex Cube – aw, thanks so much! MWAH! I promise to be your coach for all things breastfeeding once you've got a little one :)
@Tracy – "It's all about making sure you have support. Support is so important and do what is comfortable for you and the baby."You are SO right. In fact, as you'll soon see in upcoming posts, I have a wonderful lactation consultant to thank for my successful turn at breastfeeding. Without her help, I am 100% sure I would have given up.Thanks so much for your feedback and wonderful support :)
Thanks for your post, Lena. I went through similar issues in my first week, but am now finding things are better in the second week. No one tells you how hard it is!P.S. What is it about the left boob that makes it so much harder? (Same thing happened to me.)
@Anonymous – congratulations on two successful weeks! Re: the left breast – are you right handed? One of the nurses in the hospital told me that right handed mamas can tend to have issues with latching on the left breast. Not sure how accurate her theory is, but she did mention it…