(Gong Show – An event marred by confusion, ineptitude and shenanigans.)
Earlier today, in the wee hours of morning, Reid woke up at his usual 2:30am for a little drinkey.
(You should know: For the moment, Reid sleeps in our room. He normally has his last feed at 9:30pm and then gives me 5 wonderful hours before he hungers again. BUT, in the hours leading up to this feed, I normally engorge quite dramatically, as 5 hours of no action = mucho milk. Is there a purpose for this? Keep reading.)
As soon as Reid awoke, I changed him, fed him on the left breast and burped him, only to feel an explosion down below as I held him over my shoulder. Because men have it way too easy, I woke up Mike and asked him to change Reid while I quickly popped out for a pee.
As Mike was changing his diaper, he noticed that he had pooped right through and up his back. He hollered at me to bring a new sleeper. That’s when I realized that I had removed all the baby clothes from the dryer and placed the clothes basket in Ryder’s room to be folded (didn’t happen of course).
Quietly, I opened Ryder’s door and proceeded to root in the basket for a sleeper. At this point, Ryder woke up and leaped off the bed, thinking it was morning.
“It’s not time to wake up, sweetheart, go back to sleep,” I pleaded.
Wonder of wonders, he was a good boy and obeyed. Phew.
(You should know: I wash Ryder and Reid’s clothing together, and I normally procrastinate on putting their clothes away until half the basket is empty. Then I’m only folding 50%, ha ha! I hate folding clothes.)
I crept into our bedroom to find Mike with a naked Reid sitting on his leg.
“Put his diaper on!” I cautioned, horrified.
“Oh yeah, I guess I can do that,” he responded in a confused voice. After all, it was 2:30am. No sooner than the words came out, PPPRRRSSHHHH! Poop all over Mike’s leg.
I quickly lunged for the wipes warmer and opened it up – only to notice that we’d run out of wipes. And where is our stash of wipes? In Ryder’s closet, of course.
(You should know: Ryder’s room is kind of a transitory area – we’ve got the diapers and wipes in his closet, and Reid’s clothing is actually in the one of the dressers. It’s because it will eventually be Reid’s room and Ryder will be bumped down the hall, but for the moment, while Reid’s crib is in our room, we’ve set up Ryder’s toddler bed in the room next to us to keep him close while he transitions to the big boy bed. Did you get that? Even I’m confused.)
So I tiptoed back into Ryder’s room and opened his closet. When I turned around, he was standing behind me holding his blanket.
“Schwing!!!” he cried. (swing)
“It’s not time to go the park, sweetie,” I said. “We’ll play on the swings later, okay?” Then I walked with him to his bed and tucked him in. THANK GOD he was in a cooperative mood.
“WILL YOU HURRY UP! I’VE GOT A TRAIL OF CRAP ON MY LEG!” I heard Mike hiss from our bedroom.
I blew Ryder a kiss and backtracked out of his room as quietly as possible.
Back in the bedroom, I handed Mike the wipes and proceeded to throw Reid’s first sleeper and the change pad cover in the bathtub so I could hose down the poop with water. By this time, Reid was tired of all our shenanigans and began to cry for the right breast. So I grabbed him, pulled open my nightie, and PSSSSSSSS!!!! Remember when I said I was on a 5 hour milk engorgement? Well, I basically started spraying milk everywhere. His face. His hands. His damned sleeper. I fumbled in surprise as I tucked my boob back into my nightie (not quickly enough, I was all thumbs). Then I realized that I had soaked his new sleeper from the neck to the chest area.
I made Mike creep in Ryder’s room for yet another sleeper. Mike somehow managed to tuck and roll out of sight before Ryder could see him and jump out of bed. Small problem? In his rush to get back to us, he didn’t close Ryder’s door all the way. We proceeded to change Reid again, who was at this point highly irritated with his loser parents. I went to wash my hands because they were sticky from the milkspray, and when I returned, Ryder was standing in our doorway, wide awake and smiling.
Mike put him to bed and I finally finished the feed. Now let’s all put our hands together and pray that we have an ounce of competency tonight.